A Hopeful Quote from the Dalai Lama

Through constant familiarity, we can definitely establish new behavior patterns, using our tendency to form habits to our advantage. If we make a steady effort, I think we can overcome any form of negative conditioning and make positive changes in our lives. But we need to remember that genuine change doesn't happen overnight.

Reluctant

I've been in a swirl of emotions around eating, health and my body since the beginning of the new year.  2011 is NOT off to a great start (yet.)  First, there was the heart stuff: weird heart beats that are pretty uncomfortable that culminated in an experience that felt like a heart-attack.  It wasn't (really, truly - thank god!) but it was rather undiagnosable.  We're trying synthroid for hypothyroidism but that takes a while to take an effect.  And the weird heart beats went away for a while, but now they're back and fierce.  Very uncomfortable and rather disconcerting to feel.  It feels scary - sometimes I think, 'what if I don't wake up in the morning?'  Great thought as I'm drifting off to sleep.  Very relaxing.  And I'm still dealing with plantar fasciitis and he and I will be celebrating our 1-year anniversary in a few weeks here.  And I have a mysteriously sprained knee on the other leg which, nearly renders me unmovable.  Combine that with frequent headaches and migraines, a bout of bronchitis, constant gastro-intestinal junk, a sore tooth that will be getting a root canal this week, and sciatica which started when I fell on the ice the day before New Year's Eve and then got reawakened when I fell again down the steps at our cabin in WV and I'm one unhappy, stuck, miserable girl.

This morning, listening to Jack Kornfield's 'The Wise Heart' on the way to work, he was speaking about addiction and Buddhism.  And that psychology refers to addicts as 'hungry ghosts.'  That really hit home for me.  It made me so desperately sad for myself.  For all my trying and failing and falling and aching and sickness.  And my experience with my body lately has created so much bitterness and icky emotions that I feel that I need to float above the surface of my life because when I delve in, it's just all gunk and muck and mud.

But that's tricky when you're best friends with someone who's a pro at being present.  Because when I'm with her, I kind of have to be present too.  Eek!  But, sometimes, just being gentle and around someone else who's gentle can make the muck and gunk and mud seem not so horrid after all.

So, today I'm going swimming after work.  And I've eaten well all day.  I had a great salad for lunch and some cheese and an orange and a banana for breakfast.  I'm really trying to focus on giving my body some usable fuel.  My body (and whole self) need medicine.  And that medicine is movement, gentleness and nourishment.  Today I'm trying to invite those in.