Unease

Almost my whole life food has played a 'reward' role (among other confusing roles) and when I'm trying to eat healthy and make better choices, well, the whole system is disrupted. Which makes me very uneasy. And I'm already uneasy about so many things. Food is celebration, reward, pleasure, punishment, comfort, etc etc etc. When eating healthy, it kind of inherently removes all those roles and allows (forces?) food to be what it is, fuel. Having grown up with an entirely all-too pleasure-filled relationship with food, it's important for me to take some of that mouth-watering pleasure out. At least, on a regular basis. This is where it gets foggy because obviously we're meant to enjoy food. And I don't want to not-enjoy food. However, Food has served such a subversive and wicked role in my life that there's an element of eating healthy that requires removing its power and that happens when I take away the luscious, drooling foods I 'used.'

But it leaves a bit of a hole, to be honest. And I often feel like I'm not quite myself or I can't quite be present. I'm always a little uneasy. But, I try to remember that this has to be true for anyone breaking a life-long habit. I used it to manage my life so when it's gone, here's my life and here's me in it....trying to manage it. Trying to let go. Trying not to allow that unease to manifest in other ways (I often choose sleep when I'm trying to lose weight since that's my other drug of choice.) But this time, it hasn't so far. I've been trying (per my goals last week) to not focus on the things of which I'm deprived. That sweet relief of waking up knowing I fed myself well is pretty damn fulfilling.

Monday Monday

I think it's pretty interesting how aware and compassionate with ourselves we've both gotten in only a week. There's an intention we've brought to our eating, and it has expanded in some pretty amazing ways. I know we've both made note of perhaps not making the best choices, but even the choices we did make, were so much better than the choices I've consistently made in the past. While in Gettysburg, it was tough to eat well with our wonky schedule and not-so-good eateries. But, I didn't eat anything fried. That's HUGE for me. My ideal meal is fried, fried, meat and dessert. So, it's big to complete 9+ meals without one fried dish. So we've got to sit in the blessing of that for a bit I think!

Also, I get the challenge with non-structured days. What works for me is making sure I have fast, healthy good things around that include some kind of fast protein. I feel fortunate to really love steamed chicken. Just plain, steamed chicken. So if I have that around (I steam a bunch and then refrigerate it) I can get full and not resort to panic-eating. Something I'm ever-so familiar with.

This past weekend, I got engaged. God, it sounds foreign even to type that! (who am I?!) but again, to reiterate what Traby said, something that great, means I can eat sugar! I did have some nonfat frozen yogurt, which I'm OK with. And I'm glad it was on hand - who knows what I would have reached for had it not been! But it was nice to pay more attention to the other ways I could celebrate that event. And some of them are damn fun! (hubba hubba!) I also keep reminding myself how good I feel 'overall'...like not feeling stuffed. That really feels good. I've been able to turn my body off to the pain I feel when I eat too much. It really kinda hurts! But I'm more into the feeling of food in my mouth, so I can just keep going. Now, I'm trying to pay attention to my stomach, and not so much the food in my mouth. It's like I have to deliberately tone down the pleasure I feel in eating. Sounds masochistic but it's not. It's a good thing.

Non-Structured Days Are Tricky

This weekend was my first experience in a long time with trying to eat healthy on a non-structured day. Weekdays are pretty easy. I'm at work, so during the day I know what I'm going to eat and when I'm going to eat it. I try to plan dinner ahead, too. When I'm at school, which happens many weekends, my days and meals are also very structured. This past weekend was tough because I was home and didn't have a good plan.

Saturday started off with a healthy, hearty breakfast at the cafe KB mentioned...very delicious and filling. After being home for a while I got hungry for lunch but had no plan for it. I thought that Darren and I might go out for lunch or dinner, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, and so that just threw me off completely. I ended up eating yogurt and an apple, thinking that since I had a hearty breakfast I could have a lighter lunch, but that didn't fuel me like I needed. I should have been sure to eat some protein. Instead I ended up in an energy slump and, out of desperation, had some potato chips.

In the past, if I deviated from my eating plan, even once, that meant the whole day was ruined and so I could eat whatever I want for the rest of the day. Ha! What a set-up! Saturday, though, I shifted back to my plan and had a very well-balanced, delicious, sensibly portioned dinner. Ahhhh.

Sunday was tricky because I was running late in the morning and didn't have breakfast. Then I attended a shower in the afternoon, and by the time the food was served I was very hungry and my blood sugar was low. My plate wasn't too bad, but I didn't make the choices that I might have made if I had been more grounded and better fed up to that point. I did, though, avoid having any of the cookies or cupcakes that everyone was raving about. It was tough, but I felt really good about making that decision. It's so easy to justify eating junk in that sort of a festive social setting, because it's true that having something that is sugary and delicious is a great way to celebrate. I just keep reminding myself that once I reach my target weight I'll be able to enjoy chips and cupcakes in moderation. It's just that I've spent the past 15 years making every day a celebration. : ) It's time to take a break from that and invite balance to my body and my life.

So, next weekend will be filled with more non-structured days with a fundraising tea right in the middle. My goal is to plan what I'll eat for my meals Saturday and Sunday, and to plan for the tea. I'm sure there will all kinds of cakes and cookies there. I'll have to figure out what I want to do about all of that. In the meantime I'll focus on getting some movement in this week. Walking Rocky sounds good!

Weekend Window

It's Saturday morning and Traby is on her way over for our occasional Saturday morning breakfasts. It's such a good time to get together, the energy level has been renewed from a good Friday night's sleep (well, most weeks that's true!) and the busy-ness of the weekend hasn't yet begun. It's a delightful window to hang out with my super-gal!

This is a place we've breakfasted before (Coca Cafe in Lawrenceville) and it's got the most bed-and-breakfasty breakfasts ever! We weren't sure if we should return (danger!) but we both decided we could make healthy (non-sugar) decisions together. The place is so fun and funky and filled with good energy. Nothing like the old Eat-n-Park/Denny's atmospheres which never inspire much of anything!

I think we've both had a really good first week! More later...

Business

The Business of Eating.

This is what has been striking me the last few days. It's work, really. I don't imagine it will always be work, but for now it feels like work. I know that changing any habits feels like work, I can imagine trying to quit smoking and feeling consumed, night and day, by the desire. And right now, when I'm not otherwise occupied, I feel pretty consumed. But, what's notable, and worth reminding myself of, is that I also feel the disappearance of that very dark cloud I usually live under. That one that gets fueled by binging and overeating despite my higher self's goals and wishes. It's pretty tough to, every day (and every meal practically!) crush that desire to be healthy over and over again. I sometimes chuckle to think how it is somewhat comparable to wanting to get a college degree, and every day, filling out the application and then tearing it up. Every single day. That's bound to make one pretty depressed and feel disallusioned and ever so slightly confused about why one isn't getting accepted into college and why one hasn't moved any closer to that college degree.

So, back to the business of eating. The business of feeding myself. I totally resonate with Traby's words about the after-work-block of time. It's a very delicate space. Hunger, tiredness and the strong desire to just check-out for a bit spells disaster for me and my eating. But the reminder that there are more ways to get rejuvinated and refreshed than binging is key. And that hunger is real, so I have to figure out how to deal with that. And the past few days, it's been by eating a small container of low-fat yogurt. If I allow it, it will curb that hunger. And then allow me to make some choices about how I want to spend my alone time from 4-6 PM. And of course, make better decisions on what's for dinner.

Tonight, we're having skirt steak with potatoes and roasted tomatoes. A pretty well-balanced meal. And I had a great salad for lunch with a hard-boiled egg and some cashews. Dinner is cooking as I'm typing and I feel pretty grounded and more present in my body. I'm writing, cooking, and as Traby reiterated, breathing.

Breath

I was just re-reading KB's post from Gettysburg, and I'm appreicating her mentioning the importance of breathing. It's a good reminder for me. When I really take a moment to notice my breath and bring consciousness to it, everything snaps back into perspective, no matter what state of mind I'm in. (Sometimes this takes a while, but still, it's a great tool.) I'm in my fourth year at a healing school http://www.fullspectrumhealing.org/, and my teacher often reminds us that when we inhale, we're actually nourishing ourselves...our whole bodies! We're consuming the air! And when we exhale, we're literally releasing what we don't need. I believe that this nourishing/releasing is happening on more than just a biological level. After all, we're more than just our bodies. Just by the simple act of "aware breathing," I can nourish my spirit, too. And I can feel full from breathing...the kind of "emotionally full" that I look to food to fill. So, thanks, KB, for that beautiful reminder...ahhhhhhh.

Hanging In There

Well, so far, so good. I've been SF since last Friday, and I've managed to avoid junk (chips, etc.) I've also done something active every day but Saturday, so something has certainly shifted in me! I haven't been totally white flour free, but am trying to be conscious of that, as well.

Some things I've noticed are:

* I have a LOT more energy

* It's hard for me to separate what I eat from what others eat. For example, going through the Wendy's drive-thru, it took everything in me to order a grilled chicken sandwich because Darren, my husband, was having a burger. Not that I won't have a burger from time to time, but it was just really good to notice where my desire for a burger was coming from in me...it was more about my definition of "fairness" (if he gets one, it gives me "permission" to get one) and about impulse (immediate gratification) than from thinking, "Hmmm, a burger is what I want to eat right now." Turns out I really did want chicken! I'm not used to listening to that voice.

* Somehow making healthy choices seems easier on sunny days.

* The time between leaving work and eating dinner is by far the toughest part of the day for me. Not only because I'm hungry and want to eat without cooking first, but also I seem to have a hard time shifting from work to home-life. Darren and I commute together, so by the time I leave my office and pick him up, I'm in traffic for an hour. I start the drive all bright-eyed, and by the time we pull into the driveway, I'm deflated. The last thing I want to do is cook. But, I did last night, and it was really good (grilled chicken, spinach and garlic mashed potatoes). This is why planning meals in advance is so, so important. I need to help myself as much as possible so that the critical hour and a half is doable.

* All of this is certainly tied into numbers for me...how much weight I lose. I want to lose 24 pounds by our vacation. When I started eating healthy last August, I weighed 247. I got down to 212, but then the holidays hit, and I got off track. When I weighed myself on Friday, I was at 224 (and glad to learn I didn't gain it all back!) To be at 200 for vacay would be really super. This is tricky, because of course I want to lose weight! After all, that's part of getting healthy. But when that number doesn't move quickly enough, it can be discouraging. KB has set a goal to weigh herself every week. I'm going to try that, too, because I'm very tempted to weigh myself every day, and that's set up for feeling discouraged.

KB was supportive even though she was travelling! I got a sweet card from her in the mail, and in it were three little cards that listed my goals from our previous planning post. I can put them in places and use them as reminders of what I want to do for myself...super!

I've walked Rocky twice since Friday. I'm going to take him for another one tonight.