Time to Check In

This has been an unusually emotionally stressful week with my mother in the hospital. And that, as a wise woman once said, means 'when we stress, we regress.' Well, not quite regression, but definitely not taking enough time to make sure I have what I need to eat well and am checking in with myself. However, let me balance this with giving myself enormous credit for no binge eating! Yay me! I even had Chinese food for lunch one day and got chicken and broccoli with the sauce on the side and I used very little of it. I did have a rather large cookie as well on Tuesday that tasted ever-so good, I admit it. And sadly, there are about 40 of them in our work freezer right now. (damn Macy's!)

I ran out of milk at home a few days ago and I didn't plan my lunches all that well, like Traby said about eating during those unstructured days, it's hard stuff. But it's felt good not to 'lose it' in the midst of this hard time. I tell you, I really felt the pull though. Several times on my way home from the hospital late at night, I passed the Wendy's gritting my teeth not to turn the steering wheel. It's my comfort/drug of choice, and right now, when my heart is hurting, that desire for 'just letting go' (in my definition of the phrase) is very powerful. Instead, I'm taking magnificent comfort in Traby, in the super sweet fiance, Maki and really being able to provide my mother with some comfort inside her own pain and fear. That's been pretty big to be involved in. And while it wakens my own fears of losing her, it also draws me near to her in ways we don't normally (ok, tearing up now! ACK!) connect. There's a real blessed feeling in the moments I've spent at her bedside rubbing her feet, washing her face. And especially because I'm returning all the beautiful moments she's been at my own bedside offering the same comfort. It's, I dare say, a bit sacred.

So, I'm trying to focus on this wholeness of life at the moment. The being engaged bit is in there too. I've had some additional blessed moments with Traby talking about BWPs (Big Wedding Plans) and that has lightened some of my sadness indeed. It's tough to hold these two situations in my heart at the same time - I'm so lucky to have a wise friend like Traby to help me along the way. We spent some time together last night talking about wedding stuff and it was delightful. That's the perfect word. We made ourselves yummy hot tea and poured over wedding ideas. Another sacred moment. And it didn't even involve food! Yay us!

Honesty

So, I just had a 3 Muskateers candy bar and it tasted superb. I know, I'm trying for SFDs, but it's been a rough coupla days. I'm in the midst of thinking about big wedding plans and now, kind of accidentally, suddenly considering the idea of buying a house (don't worry, Maki, I know it's still in the thinking stage!) but my mother's in the hospital and my POW is unusually stressful as well. And, I'm PMSing (I know Traby is too!) So I've had some strong sugar cravings. Even after a difficult weekend of eating out with friends and making pretty good choices, I still had them. So I decided to have a little something. A little something. My usual sugar-cravings aren't little, so this, ironically, is big for me. I had one candy bar. And as far as candy bars go, not a terribly bad one. It was great how good it tasted too! They're definitely not one of my favorite candy bars, definitely not something I'd choose for a binge. So, this was actually good. I don't believe my whole life is going to be SF but for now, SF is how it needs to be most, if not all of the time. Sugar begets sugar, as Traby says and I know it's true. So, though I don't regret my delicious candy bar tonight, I know it's not going to be easy tomorrow to have that sugar messin' around inside me. But, I really believe in intention. And in honesty. The minute I 'hide' this sugar, is the minute it gains power and I become helpless and full of shame. I don't feel bad for eating it, that's part of the root of where my eating habits went wrong in the first place. It's ok. And it tasted good.

Week 2 Totalinos

The combined total for week two is.....3.5. Yes! That brings us to a grand total of 10.5! The equivalent of a 22 x 14 x 9 suitcase that costs $312 dollars, a newborn goat, 2 five pound bags of sugar (plus a little more), a full grown Walleye, or an EmerUSA hardwood floor vacuum. Wow! Go us!

(Look how huge that Walleye is! 10.5 pounds!)

Which Week Are We On?

Here I thought it was the end of week two! Hmm...Last week, I lost 3.5 lbs and this week, I lost 2. Hurrah! And tonight, the new fiance and I are going to Traby's for an impromptu engagement dinner. Another Hurrah! Traby's house is one of my favorite places. It's beautiful, welcoming and full of warm energy! We're grilling steaks, baking potatoes, making salad and we even have a great dessert- the boys get angel food cake, whipped cream and strawberries and we'll have just the strawberries. That might sound like a bit of deprivation, but to me, it sounds like two really cool women taking care of themselves. Who doesn't love strawberries? So, I'm pretty excited to share a great, healthy meal with my fiance (ohmygosh!) my best friend and her husband. We're a good crowd together. And it's nourishing on a number of levels.



I was thinking...as I sit at my computer and type this, I have my little 'goal list' taped to my computer and I think it'd be great to check in with myself to see how I'm doing with things.
Here is my list from this post:

1. attend yoga once a week: I haven't yet gone. But I'm planning on going tomorrow AM.
   
2. go to gym 3 times a week: now this I haven't done yet either. I'd like to go Sunday morning after coffee (hot tea for me!) with my dad. Not sure what's holding me back there.
   
3. be mindful of what I'm putting in my mouth: I feel a bit more mindful of the kinds of foods I'm eating for sure, but I could use a bit more of the wisdom of this post, about being really present with our eating and food.
   
4. blog often about feelings and struggles and successes: I'm thinking I'm top of this one!
   
5. be SF! (sugar-free!): I have had some sugar (lite ice cream at Gettysburg) and some trail mix with chocolate, but I haven't eaten dessert, cookies, cake, etc since we started this. That's a huge deal!
   
6. weigh myself once a week: I've been doing that, I sneaked a peak a few times, but it feels better to just keep it to once a week, because that number can set the tone for my day and I'd rather set the tone myself!
   
7. drink more water: I did that the first week, but have slacked since. I'm going RIGHT now to fill up my water bottle and drink it this morning before lunch!
   
8. planning my lunches really well: I've been doing ok with that. Even on days when I don't have something, I've made good eating-out choices. Even if it's out of my way or slightly more expensive. This takes precedence for now!
   
9. no more hiding food: A+ here!
   
10. don't focus on what I'm deprived of: This has been going better than it has for me in the past. I think it's got a lot to do with reading Traby's very encouraging posts that really remind me of the beauty in this. It's become much more spiritual and holistic than I've allowed it to become before. Thanks Traby!
    
11. remember traby's in this with me: This is huge. Though there are plenty of things that are different than other times I've become more aware of getting healthy, I think this is the biggest difference, the one that has had the most dramatic influence in my approach and feelings around this whole process. Knowing that Traby is on this journey and seeing her compassion with herself and her own awakening, it truly motivates me. Sometimes (and this will change!) I don't think I'm worth all this effort, but knowing that I committed to Traby on this, and that we're helping the chances of a Baby Traby someday, is pretty powerful. Enough to keep me going on those days when I'm really out of it.
    
12. buy new yoga clothes (cause I'm bustin out of these ones!) I actually decided I didn't need to do this. I DO have other clothes to wear, and maybe, in perhaps not too long from now, mine will fit more comfortably!
    

Bowling Ball

At the close of week one, KB and I collectively lost 7 pounds! That's the equivalent of a bowling ball, 1 1/2 five pound bags of sugar, a specially engineered road bike, or a newborn baby! Go us!!

When You Eat, Just Eat

Wait, wait, what?!?! The concept of eating without simultaneously directing my attention to something else is SO foreign to me. When I'm at work, I eat while surfing the internet or doing work. When I'm home, I mostly eat while watching TV. If not that, then Darren and I are talking, and I'm certainly not focussing on my food. When I'm out, I'm with someone. The thought of eating alone at a restaurant without a magazine or book to bury my face into is terrifying. (To me, this is how it goes without the book, "Oh, look at that poor fat girl eating all alone. Pity!" OUCH! With the book, at least they can think I'm well read, and I don't have to make eye contact with anyone.)

Good news, though...Darren and I have taken to eating most dinners in the dining room now, as opposed to the family room in front of the TV. When we eat in the family room, we sit on the couch and lean way over to our plates on the coffee table like neanderthals. We've been doing this for 5 years and just figured out how uncomfortable it is! So now we eat sitting up like real grown-ups at the dining room table with music in the background. Ahhhh! Much better. The food tastes better, and we talk more. I have to say that this shift has made me more mindful of my food, but not as aware as I'd like to be.

The other night Darren was out shooting hoops, and, due to a complicated innocent miscomunication (I'll spare you the details), I found myself sitting at the dining room table eating alone with no music, no TV, no book...not even a dog to talk to! I didn't have time to move due to an upcoming appointment, so there I was. It felt awful! I didn't know what to do with myself. I honestly felt physically uncomfortable and restless, all because my mind had nothing to occupy it but the room I was in and the food I was eating. Decidedly not enough stimuli! I found myself eating really fast to get it over with. I thought of the meditation below, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So, there you have it. I am so in the habit of not being present in my eating that I couldn't even consider entering into an opportunity to really be with eating my food. All of this makes me more aware of how habitually asleep I've become to experiencing the sensations of eating. Like KB said, food is fuel, but it's only by listening to my body that I'll know just how much and which kinds of fuel to give it.

An Eating Meditation

From Buddha's Little Instruction Book by Jack Kornfield:

"When you eat, just eat." --Buddha

"Eating meditation is a way to learn to eat with a respectful attention to your food and your body. It is easiest to begin in silence, although with practice you can learn to eat mindfully in any circumstance.

To start eating meditation, place your food in front of you and sit quietly. Reflect on the source of the food and recite any simple prayer of gratitude or blessing that comes naturally. Then be still for a few moments. Look carefully at the food. Be aware of your body and especially of your own feelings of hunger. Notice how you feel about putting this particular food into your body at this moment.

When you feel fully present and connected with yourself, begin to eat slowly. In a relaxed way be aware of each aspect of eating. Be aware of lifting the food to your mouth, of chewing, tasting, of swallowing. Notice if you feel hurried. Take your time, taste each bite carefully. Be aware of the flavors, the textures, the feelings that arise with each mouthful. Pause for a moment before the next bite. Continue your meal with this same mindful attention to everything you eat, until you come to the end.

Notice when you start to feel full. Your stomach may tell you it is full first, even when your tongue or eyes want more. Your thougths may tell you to finish everything on your plate, or that you are eating too much. If you can, don't follow these habits but listen to your whole body. Let yourself be guided by this attention. Practice this eating meditation when you can during the week. Even one meal eaten this way is a wonderful reminder of a mindful life."

Oh! So that's how we're supposed to do it!