A Hopeful Quote from the Dalai Lama

Through constant familiarity, we can definitely establish new behavior patterns, using our tendency to form habits to our advantage. If we make a steady effort, I think we can overcome any form of negative conditioning and make positive changes in our lives. But we need to remember that genuine change doesn't happen overnight.

Reluctant

I've been in a swirl of emotions around eating, health and my body since the beginning of the new year.  2011 is NOT off to a great start (yet.)  First, there was the heart stuff: weird heart beats that are pretty uncomfortable that culminated in an experience that felt like a heart-attack.  It wasn't (really, truly - thank god!) but it was rather undiagnosable.  We're trying synthroid for hypothyroidism but that takes a while to take an effect.  And the weird heart beats went away for a while, but now they're back and fierce.  Very uncomfortable and rather disconcerting to feel.  It feels scary - sometimes I think, 'what if I don't wake up in the morning?'  Great thought as I'm drifting off to sleep.  Very relaxing.  And I'm still dealing with plantar fasciitis and he and I will be celebrating our 1-year anniversary in a few weeks here.  And I have a mysteriously sprained knee on the other leg which, nearly renders me unmovable.  Combine that with frequent headaches and migraines, a bout of bronchitis, constant gastro-intestinal junk, a sore tooth that will be getting a root canal this week, and sciatica which started when I fell on the ice the day before New Year's Eve and then got reawakened when I fell again down the steps at our cabin in WV and I'm one unhappy, stuck, miserable girl.

This morning, listening to Jack Kornfield's 'The Wise Heart' on the way to work, he was speaking about addiction and Buddhism.  And that psychology refers to addicts as 'hungry ghosts.'  That really hit home for me.  It made me so desperately sad for myself.  For all my trying and failing and falling and aching and sickness.  And my experience with my body lately has created so much bitterness and icky emotions that I feel that I need to float above the surface of my life because when I delve in, it's just all gunk and muck and mud.

But that's tricky when you're best friends with someone who's a pro at being present.  Because when I'm with her, I kind of have to be present too.  Eek!  But, sometimes, just being gentle and around someone else who's gentle can make the muck and gunk and mud seem not so horrid after all.

So, today I'm going swimming after work.  And I've eaten well all day.  I had a great salad for lunch and some cheese and an orange and a banana for breakfast.  I'm really trying to focus on giving my body some usable fuel.  My body (and whole self) need medicine.  And that medicine is movement, gentleness and nourishment.  Today I'm trying to invite those in.

Because it Helps

I'm posting a ton - which, is a good sign.  Much like how Traby said once that if she makes herself a cup of tea, it's a sign of her good mental-spiritual health.  I love that.  Mine is journaling (here and at my private blog) and dancing in my car.  So two in one day is a sign that I really am present this day.  I had a great lunch:

Which I had to share because the shot I took with my phone came out so well!  Sprouts, and hummus and avocado and turkey and muenster cheese and a few pretzels.  I had egg salad on an english muffin and great loose tea for breakfast with an orange as my mid-morning snack.  And I have a baggie of almonds and a banana for a mid-afternoon snack.  Some days, it is so easy and breezy.  Others, notsomuch.  But I expect that's because that's what life is truly like.  It's hard, as an addict, to roll with the punches.  Those punches just make me want ice cream!  So, on zero-punch days, I can take care of myself - the real job is taking care of myself after getting punched.  Finding new and viable ways to lick my wounds is key.  Some days a rerun of Glee works.  Some days reading in bed under an electric blanket on high.  Some days a nap.  Or a phone call.  Or a step outside to breath hot/cold/warm/fresh air.  There are many possibilities and each time I choose ANYthing other than sugar, I'm flexing a rather weak muscle and helping it grow big and strong.

Another Sugar Free Day

So, like Traby said - keep returning and returning.  This is important because I really have that 'give up and to hell with it all' attitude in me when things get hard.  There's this cool book called The Dip which is about that very space, when doing anything - it's fun when you first start but then, it gets hard and what do you do?  Are you a person who throws in the towel or do you push through that dip.  Usually, I'm a towel-thrower.  But this is my biggest project in life I think.  It really is.  Everything else I do - if I become a mother, and being a wife, a daughter, a friend, a librarian, or even a poet (someday) this is where it all comes from.  This SELF.  And living as an addict has kept this SELF pretty small for a long time.  It's just so uncomfortable.  Day by day, all those small but SUPER difficult decisions to not eat something, to eat less of something, to choose something better, to breathe through the horror of being hungry - all of that is just so hard.  And that feeling of wearing some kind of corset is so strong and the desire to just take it off and RELAX pulls me hard.  I imagine, at some point, it won't feel so tight - but right now it does.  Like even when I'm not working, I'm working. 

Morning Thoughts

So I've not been abstinent (I've been OBSTINATE though!) since Christmas.  I have a whole laundry list of things and people to blame for that which I could easily list, explain and rationalize.  But, somewhere, I know that's not really all true or what it's all even about.  I've been most unwilling for a few weeks here.  But I'm trying very hard to be most gentle with my sweet self.  At least, that's the advice I'd give someone else who was in my spot.  But, I'm here, on this blog, and whatever got me here - yay!  Actually - I know what got me here - I was reading a blog (I love blogs!) and encountered a quote that kind of shook me and brought me back to earth:

Goldie, whenever things start to seem rough, you just get on down to the beach and look up at the sky for awhile…and suddenly you won’t feel so big.

It's something apparently Goldie Hawn's father said to her when she was younger.  I guess something about being reminded of that 'bigger something' out there than myself is very helpful.  I'm still feeling obstinate, but this is a good start.  So far, a sugar-free day.

Day 14

2 weeks.  Sugar free.  2 weeks.  Eating smaller portions.  2 weeks.  Nothing fried and no 'gritty' snacking (that's my term for my grazing/snacking habit - not sure why but it feels right.) 

Last night I was pretty hungry and I made some popcorn and ate it while watching a movie.  My 'full' self would say this is addictive behavior and not wise.  In fact, I knew it going in that I shouldn't do it.  But, compulsive overeating sometimes feels like a real slippery slope for me.  The fact that I have to negotiate this addiction 3 (or more) times a day and prepare and put food into my mouth creates some gray area.  Like, I want to say, at least I didn't eat a 1/2 gallon of ice cream.  Or 1/2 a pizza and some cheese sticks.  Or. Or.  Or.  But, it wasn't the best idea.  I did enjoy it though.  I think because I haven't eaten in front of the TV for 2 weeks (which feels like an eternity to me!) it was a nice treat.  That might be possible in my future.  Or not.  But, I did it without going overboard.  Strangely enough however, I do feel like I have a hangover today - very headachey.  But that could be a bunch of different things.  So some Tylenol with my tea this AM. 

I really need to make space for a mid-week meeting.  Really.  Maybe I can make that happen next week.  Can't wait until Saturday's meeting.  So weird to look forward to them.  Or maybe not so weird.  

(as an aside - the movie "Shutter Island" was excellent!!) 

It's Day 11 and I feel weird saying I'm not having nearly as much trouble saying 'no' to sugar as I have in the past.  It's amazing how willingness is vital to this whole thing.  And depression-drugs don't hurt either!  This particular drug is actually used for weight loss as it curbs your appetite.  I've been taking it since July, but it's just now that I'm allowing its powers to affect me.  A little pink pill had no hope against the mighty hungry me!  But now that there's space and willingness, I'm not feeling as hungry as I expected.  I still feel it though.  In fact, when our plans to get sushi yesterday failed (whoops, forget the Steelers game!) I had about 10 minutes of panic because I was so hungry and when my well-thought-out food plans are foiled, it's fear-city for me!  And my poor dad and Maki were part of that- but I'm lucky to have 2 extraordinarily patient men in my life so we figured it out.  Bado's.  2 pieces of pizza and a big salad (just like Traby!)  I just have to breathe, breathe, breathe when that hungry comes in and starts sending out its old, and dare I say, completely untrue messages.  That's an important thing to remember - when I get hungry, the messages I get are LIES!  Have to keep that in mind. 

Getting back on this path also means a commitment to eating more at home.  VERY good stuff.  I made sesame soy meatballs and potatoes and brussel sprouts for dinner Thursday.  However, I was out with friends on Friday night.   A great new Thai place - and I had a little salmon tar tar appetizer and chicken pad thai of which I ate only 1/2.  Maki benefits these days from my eating out with friends as he always gets leftovers.  Yes, leftovers.  I try to commit to only eating 1/2 of what I order.  Portions are ginormous these days (which I used to LOVE!) but realize I go way beyond my experience of 'full' when I finish at a restaurant many times.   We made salmon and noodles for lunch on Saturday - we nearly ALWAYS go out to breakfast and lunch on Saturdays.  Now with OA at 10:30, I ate a bowl of cereal and was off.  And then came home - vs. stopping somewhere for takeout.  Saturday night was out to dinner again with a friend and I had french onion soup and 1/2 of my rueben.  Again, Maki squealed with delight (inside) to get the other 1/2.  And coffee afterwards, which usually would have been hot cocoa and a cookie, was a delicious cup of tea.  Yum.  Tea has taken on a new life for me.  Since it's been replacing dessert and/or a snack.  I'm glad I like it.  Way better than coffee.  Sunday's breakfast was out with another friend (too social this weekend!) and I had 2 poached eggs, a chai tea and 2 bites of gross oatmeal.  So hard to resist pancakes and stickies!!  But I did.  It helps to be eating with another friend who's on an eating-path that helps her make better choices too.  And dinner on Sunday was more brussel sprouts, potatoes and a hamburger.  And this morning, with my 2 poached eggs on an english muffin and an orange and my cup of tea, I feel very satisfied. 

OK - now that the boring stuff is out of the way...I was thinking this weekend about isolation vs. opening.  And so cool that Traby's last post talked a bit about that.  What it means to open up, let people know where you're at, and accept help.  Saturday's OA meeting focused on isolation and then at dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday, my 2 good friends are people who often struggle with opening up and making room for help (I never do!  HA!)  It's a good bit of information for me to have.  The experience of being a friend who wants to help, and not really being permitted is no fun and definitely keeps a friendship on a certain level.  And while I understand not sharing one's 'food journey' with every person you encounter, there are some people with whom it's a good idea to share.  And I know that means vulnerability and dealing with judgment (mine and theirs) but that's courage and authenticity and that's what I'm going for these days.  So here we go!

Oh - and PS, Traby - we decided, since you and Mell and I are all trying to make different choices, that Beeson Game Night will be sugar-free!  YIPPEE!  One less worry.  We're all going to make yummy things that we can all enjoy:

• I'm making caprese skewers (tomatoes, mozz and basil)
• a big hearty, delicious salad
• cafe nuts (spicy nut blend)
• Maki's making chili and corn bread
• Mell's making a healthier version of her taco dip and something else
• Not sure what Margaret's making
• And now you can feel free to bring something good for you too!
• We'll have chips, dip and some other 'boy' friendly things, but none of our boys have big sweet tooths, so we figured they'd be fine with it.  Hooray!