Nearly a week of my new regiment. Pursuing my health in this way has created a universal shift in my life. I've been working with an amazing therapist for about a year and a half (thanks to Traby for recommending her! Couldn't have survived this past year without her help!) and my work with her has been pretty essential to making this change. As she knows and I know (and everyone else in my life knows) I get stuck in my head. Sometimes being introspective is really good, but in my life, I tend to stay there, take root and get stuck. If I can't answer the 'why' than obviously, I can't proceed, right? Wrong.
That's what I've been doing in certain areas of my life for sooooo long. Making this choice to work with a trainer was a deliberate move to skip over the 'why' and into some action. It was also a clear step out of a sad cycle I've been in for many, many years with myself. The whole dance of finally getting fed up with myself, accepting the assessment of some pretty nasty inner-voices that would say things like 'you don't deserve to eat' and then jumping into some drastic plan that stemmed from frustration and desperation and severe disappointment in myself. Then, I fail because I've laid out a plan that's not terribly kind or wholistic and the cycle of punishment and disappointment begins again.
This is what I do.
It's well-known territory for me. And pretty comfortable. I always know the outcome and the whole thing just keeps me stuck, stuck, stuck and confirms all those voices that I'm weak, I have no willpower, etc. etc.
So, in working toward more and more self-compassion and the movement of 'holding things in my life lightly (not gripping too hard, not letting totally go, but holding it lightly) has created a kind of spaciousness that I haven't known before. This work has many roots, many of which formed from the generous people in my life who share their struggles and stories of courage and bravery in light of sometimes tragic and painful circumstances. Being surrounded by people who continue to open and open and open to themselves and their lives is pretty powerful. In addition, being married to a man who accepts me unequivacably and in all states of my being is pretty rockin'. Being with him for 2 1/2 years (despite what he thinks!) has had an effect on me.
In my session with my therapist last night, we came to the heart of this decision and it's been haunting my thoughts (in a good way!) since. All my life, I've worked very very hard to not feel 3 things:
- tired
- hungry
- physical pain
So does the state of pushing myself beyond my limits. I've had the experience of pushing myself beyond my limits in other areas of my life: my job, my relationships, therapy, my writing, friendships, but never physically. So it's been really empowering to be with myself as I physically go beyond what I thought I could do. What does it mean in my life to see myself do things that not only have I not wanted to do (and continue to not want to do in some respects) but things that I didn't think I could do? Those minutes (which feel like hours sometimes) on the treadmill I'm encountering a brand new part of myself. It's pretty appealing. And when I'm standing next to Jason and he's pushing me to stretch and stretch (literally and figuratively) to reach a place I've never been before, I'm waking up in a whole new way.
And that's only after 3 sessions!
This is big.....big.
1 comment:
As I sit here in tears after reading your post, I realize now why I have always been so drawn to your friendship. I could have written most of those words myself, and the feelings you have are ones that I've lived with myself. We are more alike than I imagined! I applaud you for being so open and raw with this part of yourself. As someone who has spent her entire life dealing with horrendous body issues and up and down scale numbers, I understand. You are not alone, sweet girl. And now I know that I'm not either :)
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