A Hopeful Quote from the Dalai Lama

Through constant familiarity, we can definitely establish new behavior patterns, using our tendency to form habits to our advantage. If we make a steady effort, I think we can overcome any form of negative conditioning and make positive changes in our lives. But we need to remember that genuine change doesn't happen overnight.

Reluctant

I've been in a swirl of emotions around eating, health and my body since the beginning of the new year.  2011 is NOT off to a great start (yet.)  First, there was the heart stuff: weird heart beats that are pretty uncomfortable that culminated in an experience that felt like a heart-attack.  It wasn't (really, truly - thank god!) but it was rather undiagnosable.  We're trying synthroid for hypothyroidism but that takes a while to take an effect.  And the weird heart beats went away for a while, but now they're back and fierce.  Very uncomfortable and rather disconcerting to feel.  It feels scary - sometimes I think, 'what if I don't wake up in the morning?'  Great thought as I'm drifting off to sleep.  Very relaxing.  And I'm still dealing with plantar fasciitis and he and I will be celebrating our 1-year anniversary in a few weeks here.  And I have a mysteriously sprained knee on the other leg which, nearly renders me unmovable.  Combine that with frequent headaches and migraines, a bout of bronchitis, constant gastro-intestinal junk, a sore tooth that will be getting a root canal this week, and sciatica which started when I fell on the ice the day before New Year's Eve and then got reawakened when I fell again down the steps at our cabin in WV and I'm one unhappy, stuck, miserable girl.

This morning, listening to Jack Kornfield's 'The Wise Heart' on the way to work, he was speaking about addiction and Buddhism.  And that psychology refers to addicts as 'hungry ghosts.'  That really hit home for me.  It made me so desperately sad for myself.  For all my trying and failing and falling and aching and sickness.  And my experience with my body lately has created so much bitterness and icky emotions that I feel that I need to float above the surface of my life because when I delve in, it's just all gunk and muck and mud.

But that's tricky when you're best friends with someone who's a pro at being present.  Because when I'm with her, I kind of have to be present too.  Eek!  But, sometimes, just being gentle and around someone else who's gentle can make the muck and gunk and mud seem not so horrid after all.

So, today I'm going swimming after work.  And I've eaten well all day.  I had a great salad for lunch and some cheese and an orange and a banana for breakfast.  I'm really trying to focus on giving my body some usable fuel.  My body (and whole self) need medicine.  And that medicine is movement, gentleness and nourishment.  Today I'm trying to invite those in.

Because it Helps

I'm posting a ton - which, is a good sign.  Much like how Traby said once that if she makes herself a cup of tea, it's a sign of her good mental-spiritual health.  I love that.  Mine is journaling (here and at my private blog) and dancing in my car.  So two in one day is a sign that I really am present this day.  I had a great lunch:

Which I had to share because the shot I took with my phone came out so well!  Sprouts, and hummus and avocado and turkey and muenster cheese and a few pretzels.  I had egg salad on an english muffin and great loose tea for breakfast with an orange as my mid-morning snack.  And I have a baggie of almonds and a banana for a mid-afternoon snack.  Some days, it is so easy and breezy.  Others, notsomuch.  But I expect that's because that's what life is truly like.  It's hard, as an addict, to roll with the punches.  Those punches just make me want ice cream!  So, on zero-punch days, I can take care of myself - the real job is taking care of myself after getting punched.  Finding new and viable ways to lick my wounds is key.  Some days a rerun of Glee works.  Some days reading in bed under an electric blanket on high.  Some days a nap.  Or a phone call.  Or a step outside to breath hot/cold/warm/fresh air.  There are many possibilities and each time I choose ANYthing other than sugar, I'm flexing a rather weak muscle and helping it grow big and strong.

Another Sugar Free Day

So, like Traby said - keep returning and returning.  This is important because I really have that 'give up and to hell with it all' attitude in me when things get hard.  There's this cool book called The Dip which is about that very space, when doing anything - it's fun when you first start but then, it gets hard and what do you do?  Are you a person who throws in the towel or do you push through that dip.  Usually, I'm a towel-thrower.  But this is my biggest project in life I think.  It really is.  Everything else I do - if I become a mother, and being a wife, a daughter, a friend, a librarian, or even a poet (someday) this is where it all comes from.  This SELF.  And living as an addict has kept this SELF pretty small for a long time.  It's just so uncomfortable.  Day by day, all those small but SUPER difficult decisions to not eat something, to eat less of something, to choose something better, to breathe through the horror of being hungry - all of that is just so hard.  And that feeling of wearing some kind of corset is so strong and the desire to just take it off and RELAX pulls me hard.  I imagine, at some point, it won't feel so tight - but right now it does.  Like even when I'm not working, I'm working. 

Morning Thoughts

So I've not been abstinent (I've been OBSTINATE though!) since Christmas.  I have a whole laundry list of things and people to blame for that which I could easily list, explain and rationalize.  But, somewhere, I know that's not really all true or what it's all even about.  I've been most unwilling for a few weeks here.  But I'm trying very hard to be most gentle with my sweet self.  At least, that's the advice I'd give someone else who was in my spot.  But, I'm here, on this blog, and whatever got me here - yay!  Actually - I know what got me here - I was reading a blog (I love blogs!) and encountered a quote that kind of shook me and brought me back to earth:

Goldie, whenever things start to seem rough, you just get on down to the beach and look up at the sky for awhile…and suddenly you won’t feel so big.

It's something apparently Goldie Hawn's father said to her when she was younger.  I guess something about being reminded of that 'bigger something' out there than myself is very helpful.  I'm still feeling obstinate, but this is a good start.  So far, a sugar-free day.