Wahoo for Us

Yep.  Day 5.  Now last night, I was pretty hungry.  So I had a bowl of rice krispies.  I didn't eat much dinner.  We had HUGE pork chops, some broccoli and rice and my father came over.  It wasn't my favorite dinner so I kind of picked at it.  I ate most of my chop, but not all the other stuff.  And we had pineapple for dessert.  So, a bowl of cereal and then Maki made some garlic bread and I had a few pieces.  Not bad. 
I was reading some OA literature last night (Maki's reading it too) about food plans.  Right now, 3 meals a day with 2 reasonable snacks seems to be working.  Perhaps when I feel a bit more stable, I can get more detailed?  Or maybe this is how it goes.  Because I know (putting my hand on my heart) what I need to eat.  Colorful food.  Smaller portions.  Less carby.  And if I can keep that in mind, maybe I can do this without all the details that make me feel deprived?  Who knows.  One day at a time.  And it's now day FIVE.

Also - I was reading all our past posts (we really posted a LOT!) and we are some wise, compassionate, brilliant, full-hearted women!  It's so comforting to read our words and be inspired by our own awarenesses.

Day 4

Abstinent for 4 days.  This means, for me:

• no sugar
• no snacking
• nothing fried

Those are my 3 biggest triggers in terms of overeating.  In other words, 3 of my most favorite things.  3 things that keep me in the haze.  I'm hungry right now.  But I'm trying, when I feel that sensation, to just breathe through it.  Breathing through something is pretty powerful.  I never felt quite committed before to really truly trying it.  When something comes up, just breathing.  So simple.  And yet, I have to be willing to do it.  Willingness, that's where it's at man.

Another New Start - Yay!

So, first, I went to OA this morning.  WA-FUCKIN-HOO!!!  Like, seriously, man.  It was the right thing to do and felt SO good!  It really did feel like coming home to some sanity and some hope.  I was not the only 'new/returning' person there - there was a woman who was returning after 20 years.  And the Castle Shannon meeting had like 25 people that day.  I've now had 2 days of abstinence (which for me, means no sugar and is NO SMALL FEAT!)  Yay me!  I have really taken care of myself and breathed through the hunger.  This is good and good to remember.  Just breathe through it.  Hunger makes me so so anxious.  And that's usually where I get tripped up.  It's such a hard place for me - I get so scared and then I make the quickest easiest decision I can about food - which usually means UNHEALTHY just to relieve that terrible awful emptiness.  For example - I had actually forgotten to eat breakfast before OA (it was a weird morning full of a lot of trepidation) but on my way there (I was running early) I stopped at McGinnis Sisters in Castle Shannon and bought and apple and a banana.  Easy, quick, cheap, HEALTHY.  Good for me.  And I had lunch with Maki and my father - where I had a spicy shrimp wrap and some tomato soup (promptly discarded however soon after at Marshalls - drat!)  And then a small portion dinner at a Chinese buffet (including sushi and wonton soup.)  And not only have I not eaten sugar in 2 days - I've also not snacked.  ANOTHER great feat for me!  I'm also headed to another OA meeting tonight.  WORTH THE TIME - don't forget.  It takes a lot of time to engage in an addiction - so I'm just exchanging a few hours for another few hours.  I spent quite a lot of time scheming and then feeling shame and feeling numb and now I can feel alive and hopeful.  This changes everything. 

Traby's Here!

So, while Traby and I are very similar in a lot of ways, we're pretty different gals.  I love to write and it's helpful, but for Traby sometimes, it gets her into the mire, but I'm glad she's popped in for some words!

I LOVE the mini-goals.  I might try that myself.  I'll put on my thinking cap tonight and decide what rewards might be motivating, besides the obvious ones like health, which sometimes seem so nebulous that they're hard to imagine.  I think that's a brilliant idea!  Woohoo!

My first week went well, in terms of making consistent choices and taking care of me-in-hunger which is my most vulnerable state.  Emotionally/spiritually however, I was a bit of a wreck.  There was also some PMS involved.  But I really see my coming down from sugar every day (many days 2-3 times a day!) as a kind of detox period.  Not sure my husband buys that, but it feels nearly as psychologically dangerous as I might imagine drugs or alcohol detox is.  I don't get the intense physical results of detox, but the feeling that I'm out there, in the world, naked without any tools is definitely something I feel.  I USE sugar.  I am a user.  And without it, the world feels a bit scary.  So resisting that temptation to use again, just for a moment of relief is pretty great.  I have to keep saying no to sugar and yes to myself, my real sugar-free self. 

I'm Here, Too

Yep, like K I'm also trying once again to be more healthy and lose weight. I gained 12lbs since my last attempt, so my new goal is to lose 112lbs. Whew.

Last week was my first full week of eating mostly all whole foods, 3 meals a day plus one light snack, and almost no sugar. It went pretty well, and I got some good results, but I still haven't incorporated the excercise component. That starts this week. I signed up for a Community College class called "Aerobics for the Overweight and Out-Of-Shape." Perfect for me! I'm feeling some anxiety about going, but I'm hoping to find that it gets easier and easier the more I go. The first class is Wednesday night. Aside from that, daily brisk walks with my pup are the plan for getting some exercise. I bought a pair of tennis shoes, so I no longer have any excuses. I just have to do it.

I had a piece of cake after dinner last night and the rest of the night craving wise was very, very difficult. That was my first sugar for the week, and I'm thinking there's a definite connection there. Plus I have PMS. : ) All good stuff to look at as I move forward.

Oh, and I decided to break my big goal up into 4 mini goals of 28lbs each. I have rewards set for each quarter. They are:
- Lose 28lbs = a Pittsburgh weekend where I go to the museum one day and the Aviary the next.
- Lose 56lbs = a long weekend to visit my dear sister and her family in Florida.
- Lose 84lbs = a romantic night with my hubby at The Tara, the fancy resort-like B&B where we stayed on our wedding night.
- Lose 112lbs = a return trip to Hawaii to revisit our honeymoon spot!

Go, go, go! Museum and Aviary, here I come!

Day 3

So day 3 of....what shall we call this, the 2010 Reset Button Project?  Sure!  So, day 3 of the 2010 Reset Button Project has started off well.  Weight Watchers is such a great system for me, though it does involves numbers (calculations are done by the site!) I find that really being clear on how much I'm eating is helpful in being present with the idea of 'fueling' my body vs. using food as a coping mechanism. 

I picked up a cool magazine yesterday called GOOD and the whole issue is about slowing down.  Pretty good stuff and one of their suggestions about how we can slow down is by eliminating something (TV, sugar, cell phone, etc).  But what I loved about the advice, is that they focused on replacing that something with something else.  Since food is how I 'manage' or maybe, in other words, 'don't manage' I'm kind of left without skills.  Or maybe I'm left having to rely on dusty skills I neglect to use because I numb out with food so often.  Hmph.  This is tough - tough on my husband too!  My crankiness is tripled because of coming off of sugar AND not having that stuffed-full feeling to 'make it all better.'  And there have been 3 headaches so far this week, I'm sure that's the no-sugar feeling my body isn't quite used to.  But I'm hoping that will end. 

I AM feeling overwhelmed though - at home and at work, so the desire to escape is strong!  I'm hoping that some working-out at the Y.  I brought all my stuff to work today - we'll see if I can get there.  Have a bit of a busy day.  But I know it would help.

Chaos Always

There's never a good time, in terms of what's happening in life to get going with a diet, is there?  Life is always messy.  I think the more peace I can have with that, the better.  Anxiety has become a constant part of my life these days and I wonder if eating better and MOVING can help ease some of that.  I don't 'wonder' really, I know.  But I just joined weight watchers online AGAIN and am going to join the YMCA near our new house this afternoon.  Time to get moving.  I feel kind of sad, tired and defeated about it all which makes me feel even more sad, tired and defeated.  I just need to get onto that kindness wagon again.  Get some compassion.  Sometimes, it feels like the hardest thing in the world to get a little of that towards myself.  Maybe these 'acts' of WW and the YMCA will help.