It's Time To Return to My Body and Kindness

I've been a bitter hungry girl for the past few months. And I decided to put whatever I wanted into my mouth. Anything I wanted and in any amount. Frankly, there's something to that. Letting yourself off the hook. There are different ways to let yourself off the hook though. And I'm read to let myself off the hook in another way now. Work on relieving some of my anger toward J and the gym and how much I went through and the choices I made after it all was over. I haven't weighed myself since maybe mid-July and I know (I can feel it, believe me!) I've gained 10+ lbs. I'm uncomfortable and there's an undeniable sadness and shame that I'm feeling. Hell, I have concerns that I might not fit into an airplane seat for our flight to Key West for Christmas. Try carrying around THAT burden for a while. It's time for balance and some serenity again.

Saturday Morning

It's Saturday morning and I'm tired and feeling like, "Wow, look what I did last week! Glad I'll never have to do that again!" I'm meeting J in 20 minutes for another grueling workout. When I finish (this is the part that worries me) I need to rush home, shower and head off to a special preview showing of the new "Star Trek" with Maki. Um....I can't like....move...when I'm done with those workouts! At least last week, it took me a good 1/2 hour 45 minutes to recover. I'm all shaky and red and sweaty. It's a beautiful site. I'm not sure I can imagine jumping the shower immediately and having the poise to do my hair? Or frankly, the concern. After workouts, and it's kind of a nice blissed-out feeling, I don't really care about anything. ANYthing. This is good for Maki, since most of my workouts are after work and I when I come home I'm not focused on anything messy (that's typical me) so this is yet another lesson in my life to learn from these workouts. Phooey. I'd rather lie in bed and read this morning.

But here I go - I'm putting on my pants, washing my face, trying to make my short hair do SOMEthing so I don't look like Phyllis Diller. And off I go.

Tired, Hungry, in Pain

Nearly a week of my new regiment. Pursuing my health in this way has created a universal shift in my life. I've been working with an amazing therapist for about a year and a half (thanks to Traby for recommending her! Couldn't have survived this past year without her help!) and my work with her has been pretty essential to making this change. As she knows and I know (and everyone else in my life knows) I get stuck in my head. Sometimes being introspective is really good, but in my life, I tend to stay there, take root and get stuck. If I can't answer the 'why' than obviously, I can't proceed, right?

Wrong.

That's what I've been doing in certain areas of my life for sooooo long. Making this choice to work with a trainer was a deliberate move to skip over the 'why' and into some action. It was also a clear step out of a sad cycle I've been in for many, many years with myself. The whole dance of finally getting fed up with myself, accepting the assessment of some pretty nasty inner-voices that would say things like 'you don't deserve to eat' and then jumping into some drastic plan that stemmed from frustration and desperation and severe disappointment in myself. Then, I fail because I've laid out a plan that's not terribly kind or wholistic and the cycle of punishment and disappointment begins again.

This is what I do.

It's well-known territory for me. And pretty comfortable. I always know the outcome and the whole thing just keeps me stuck, stuck, stuck and confirms all those voices that I'm weak, I have no willpower, etc. etc.

So, in working toward more and more self-compassion and the movement of 'holding things in my life lightly (not gripping too hard, not letting totally go, but holding it lightly) has created a kind of spaciousness that I haven't known before. This work has many roots, many of which formed from the generous people in my life who share their struggles and stories of courage and bravery in light of sometimes tragic and painful circumstances. Being surrounded by people who continue to open and open and open to themselves and their lives is pretty powerful. In addition, being married to a man who accepts me unequivacably and in all states of my being is pretty rockin'. Being with him for 2 1/2 years (despite what he thinks!) has had an effect on me.

In my session with my therapist last night, we came to the heart of this decision and it's been haunting my thoughts (in a good way!) since. All my life, I've worked very very hard to not feel 3 things:

1. tired
2. hungry
3. physical pain

And I've created a life where I never have to feel those things. I take plenty of naps, I eat all I want, when I want. And I don't do things to my body that would put any part of it in pain (other than 2 tattoos and one nose piercing!) And now, this work that I'm doing with Jason (my trainer) is about all 3 of those Every. Single. Day. Every day I'm more tired (though more energized in other ways) than I like to be; I'm hungrier than I'd like to be and I'm definitely in more pain each day than I'd like to be. This is all new for me. The state of being uncomfortable has a lot to teach me I think.

So does the state of pushing myself beyond my limits. I've had the experience of pushing myself beyond my limits in other areas of my life: my job, my relationships, therapy, my writing, friendships, but never physically. So it's been really empowering to be with myself as I physically go beyond what I thought I could do. What does it mean in my life to see myself do things that not only have I not wanted to do (and continue to not want to do in some respects) but things that I didn't think I could do? Those minutes (which feel like hours sometimes) on the treadmill I'm encountering a brand new part of myself. It's pretty appealing. And when I'm standing next to Jason and he's pushing me to stretch and stretch (literally and figuratively) to reach a place I've never been before, I'm waking up in a whole new way.

And that's only after 3 sessions!

This is big.....big.

Without Traby

So, I venture on without Traby - at least on the blog. I know she's with me in spirit. But I noticed the last post was from June 24th which is around the time my mother started to spiral down. She died on July 30th and needless to say, that threw my whole world up in the air where it all got mixed up and came down in pieces. I was in the midst of planning a wedding. So I slipped into gear with all the plans surrounding that. And there was the holidays and then there was 3 months of depression, sinking lower and lower into a pretty bad state.

And now, I've woken up to myself, a new self that doesn't have a mother and is carrying around a whole new kind of grief and set of emotions and frankly, recognizing myself as a ver different person. So it's time to revisit this issue of health and weight. And it feels more like a new start than ever.

I've just signed up for 3 months with a personal trainer. And while I feel very strongly about the kind of help he's going to provide me in this process, I also feel very hesitant and unsure about the $$ and the kind of committment this requires. I have visions of 'The Biggest Loser' and Boot Camp in my head. I mean, already, just 1/2 hour with him this morning, kicked my butt. My legs feel weak and I feel afraid of the voices in my head telling me that I can't do it. That I'm a fool. But I have to quiet those voices, get out of my head and get moving. Literally and figuratively.

Next week I meet with him Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. And I need to be working out on my own on other days. This is such a big deal. I almost can't think about what it all really means/entails.

Here we go.