Day 14

2 weeks.  Sugar free.  2 weeks.  Eating smaller portions.  2 weeks.  Nothing fried and no 'gritty' snacking (that's my term for my grazing/snacking habit - not sure why but it feels right.) 

Last night I was pretty hungry and I made some popcorn and ate it while watching a movie.  My 'full' self would say this is addictive behavior and not wise.  In fact, I knew it going in that I shouldn't do it.  But, compulsive overeating sometimes feels like a real slippery slope for me.  The fact that I have to negotiate this addiction 3 (or more) times a day and prepare and put food into my mouth creates some gray area.  Like, I want to say, at least I didn't eat a 1/2 gallon of ice cream.  Or 1/2 a pizza and some cheese sticks.  Or. Or.  Or.  But, it wasn't the best idea.  I did enjoy it though.  I think because I haven't eaten in front of the TV for 2 weeks (which feels like an eternity to me!) it was a nice treat.  That might be possible in my future.  Or not.  But, I did it without going overboard.  Strangely enough however, I do feel like I have a hangover today - very headachey.  But that could be a bunch of different things.  So some Tylenol with my tea this AM. 

I really need to make space for a mid-week meeting.  Really.  Maybe I can make that happen next week.  Can't wait until Saturday's meeting.  So weird to look forward to them.  Or maybe not so weird.  

(as an aside - the movie "Shutter Island" was excellent!!) 

It's Day 11 and I feel weird saying I'm not having nearly as much trouble saying 'no' to sugar as I have in the past.  It's amazing how willingness is vital to this whole thing.  And depression-drugs don't hurt either!  This particular drug is actually used for weight loss as it curbs your appetite.  I've been taking it since July, but it's just now that I'm allowing its powers to affect me.  A little pink pill had no hope against the mighty hungry me!  But now that there's space and willingness, I'm not feeling as hungry as I expected.  I still feel it though.  In fact, when our plans to get sushi yesterday failed (whoops, forget the Steelers game!) I had about 10 minutes of panic because I was so hungry and when my well-thought-out food plans are foiled, it's fear-city for me!  And my poor dad and Maki were part of that- but I'm lucky to have 2 extraordinarily patient men in my life so we figured it out.  Bado's.  2 pieces of pizza and a big salad (just like Traby!)  I just have to breathe, breathe, breathe when that hungry comes in and starts sending out its old, and dare I say, completely untrue messages.  That's an important thing to remember - when I get hungry, the messages I get are LIES!  Have to keep that in mind. 

Getting back on this path also means a commitment to eating more at home.  VERY good stuff.  I made sesame soy meatballs and potatoes and brussel sprouts for dinner Thursday.  However, I was out with friends on Friday night.   A great new Thai place - and I had a little salmon tar tar appetizer and chicken pad thai of which I ate only 1/2.  Maki benefits these days from my eating out with friends as he always gets leftovers.  Yes, leftovers.  I try to commit to only eating 1/2 of what I order.  Portions are ginormous these days (which I used to LOVE!) but realize I go way beyond my experience of 'full' when I finish at a restaurant many times.   We made salmon and noodles for lunch on Saturday - we nearly ALWAYS go out to breakfast and lunch on Saturdays.  Now with OA at 10:30, I ate a bowl of cereal and was off.  And then came home - vs. stopping somewhere for takeout.  Saturday night was out to dinner again with a friend and I had french onion soup and 1/2 of my rueben.  Again, Maki squealed with delight (inside) to get the other 1/2.  And coffee afterwards, which usually would have been hot cocoa and a cookie, was a delicious cup of tea.  Yum.  Tea has taken on a new life for me.  Since it's been replacing dessert and/or a snack.  I'm glad I like it.  Way better than coffee.  Sunday's breakfast was out with another friend (too social this weekend!) and I had 2 poached eggs, a chai tea and 2 bites of gross oatmeal.  So hard to resist pancakes and stickies!!  But I did.  It helps to be eating with another friend who's on an eating-path that helps her make better choices too.  And dinner on Sunday was more brussel sprouts, potatoes and a hamburger.  And this morning, with my 2 poached eggs on an english muffin and an orange and my cup of tea, I feel very satisfied. 

OK - now that the boring stuff is out of the way...I was thinking this weekend about isolation vs. opening.  And so cool that Traby's last post talked a bit about that.  What it means to open up, let people know where you're at, and accept help.  Saturday's OA meeting focused on isolation and then at dinner on Saturday and breakfast on Sunday, my 2 good friends are people who often struggle with opening up and making room for help (I never do!  HA!)  It's a good bit of information for me to have.  The experience of being a friend who wants to help, and not really being permitted is no fun and definitely keeps a friendship on a certain level.  And while I understand not sharing one's 'food journey' with every person you encounter, there are some people with whom it's a good idea to share.  And I know that means vulnerability and dealing with judgment (mine and theirs) but that's courage and authenticity and that's what I'm going for these days.  So here we go!

Oh - and PS, Traby - we decided, since you and Mell and I are all trying to make different choices, that Beeson Game Night will be sugar-free!  YIPPEE!  One less worry.  We're all going to make yummy things that we can all enjoy:

• I'm making caprese skewers (tomatoes, mozz and basil)
• a big hearty, delicious salad
• cafe nuts (spicy nut blend)
• Maki's making chili and corn bread
• Mell's making a healthier version of her taco dip and something else
• Not sure what Margaret's making
• And now you can feel free to bring something good for you too!
• We'll have chips, dip and some other 'boy' friendly things, but none of our boys have big sweet tooths, so we figured they'd be fine with it.  Hooray!

Two Challenging Events Down...

Well, I'm home Sunday night after a beautiful weekend at the spiritual retreat center I attend regularly. This Saturday was our Holiday party, and guess who was co-chair of the food committee? That's right...me! I went into the weekend afraid that I would be up to my elbows in cookies as I prepared serving trays, but it worked out that others stepped in to do that so I could pretty much avoid all of the sugary bits. As for the other food for the party, we included some healthy options and so my plate had some raw veggies, cheese, fruit chunks, a small spanikopita tart, and an artichoke crostini. Thanks to the turkey sandwich I brought from home to eat before the party, I was satisfied to eat my small plate and then go on to other activities. In years past I was one of the people who skipped dinner before hand in order to justify staying in the food room to graze and pick all night...especially the cookies. Sure, I could have allowed myself one cookie, but I know that would have made it harder for me. I'm so proud of me for my willingness to do that party differently.

The other challenging event was when my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew came over for pizza last week. I had two small pieces of pizza and a large salad...pretty good. But my s-i-l made brownies. Ugh. I know I could have asked her not to bring them, but I wanted everyone else to enjoy them. Well, when it came time for dessert (a la mode, of course), it turned out that I had the opportunity to feed it to my 2 1/2 year old nephew. (The brownies were both crumbly and chewy, so it was easier for someone to just feed it to him.) It was so neat to enjoy the dessert through every bite I gave to him! It was oddly and unexpectedly fulfilling to have that experience with him.

So two very new ways of doing desserts for me. : ) New, new, new!!!

So, the remaining challenging events on the horizon are: this weekend when my in-laws come to visit, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, day after party with friends, New Years Eve, and a big family party in January. Ugh...that's a lot. But I've done it twice now, so I know I can do it again. And I'm learning that it's easier for me to tell people about my Diabetes so that I can really get behind my saying no to certain foods. Some people need that extra info to stop hassling me into taking dessert. And it allows me to get suppport from them, and that feels good.

Day 7

I know - borrrrring title.  But that it's been 7 days of abstinence and awareness and awakeness and LIFE is worth noting.  So it's Day 7 and I'm feeling great.  Though I DID fall down the steps today.  A whole bunch of them and pretty serious bruised me' tail bone.  OUCH!  But I'm OK.  I had my phone in my pocket so if I really broke something, I wouldn't rot by myself on the landing.  : )  But I didn't immediately think, "God, I deserve cake!"  So this is progress!

And today I had my turkey and cheese on an english muffin with 2 pickles and water for breakfast.  Oddly yummy.  And then lunch I had chicken chili, some raw orange pepper cut up, some rice crackers and a cheese stick and lemonade.  And I just had a yogurt for a snack.  Maki'll be making dinner tonight so I get to 'take it easy' since I'm now busted-up.

But feeling good.  Really good.

A Few Days In

Well, I'm three days into this most recent attempt to make some change, and things are going well. I made good meal choices especially on Monday and Tuesday, and today as begun with some scrambled Egg Beaters, a piece of multi-grain toast, a banana, and some Awake tea with just a splash of 2% milk. Lunch will be romaine with a small piece of left over chicken, cucumbers, carrots, and a small amount of ranch dressing, which is something I'm not willing to compromise at this time. I really do use only a little bit. My snack tonight will be celery sticks and hummus, so that leaves dinner.

KB and I will be meeting for shopping and dinner tonight. I wonder where we'll go and what meal choices we'll make? Eating together is a big part of our history. Our friendship is spacious and free, and in the past that has encouraged spontaneity, impulsiveness, and indulgence. All good, very good, things...except when it comes to food. But I trust that we'll find ways to be spontaneous, impulsive, and indulgent together even in abstinance. That's actually a neat thought!

A friend gave me her barely used Tony Little Gazelle about a month ago--it's one of those non-motorized glider machines where you're doing a cross country skiing type motion. I did it for 10 minutes last night and then did some light aerobics for 5 and then did 5 more on the Gazelle. It was hard, but I guess it's a good start.

And Here We Are Again

It's so amazing how KB and I, yet again, find that our seperate journeys with food and weight have led us to new committments to make some major changes. I don't think this is a coincidence...somehow we must be meant to do this together.

I've been feeling incredibly tired lately, and so I went to the doctor. My bloodwork came back showing that I have Type 2 Diabetes, and that my triglycerides and cholesterol levels are high. This isn't surprising since these things run in my family, but I have to say that I'm shocked to have to face these things at 36. And stepping on the scale at the doctor's was the first time I've done so in months...talk about alarming. I learned that I gained yet another 12 pounds which means my pattern has been perpetuated--I lose weight and then gain it all back and then some. All of this, as you can imagine, has been a huge, loud wake-up call. WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!!!

What I want to say to myself in this moment...
Wake up to how heavy and tired you feel, how your body wants to be nourished with vitamin packed foods, how your spirit will be fed by bringing consciousness to what you're eating, how, even after just two days of eating differently, you feel so much more alive, and how much you've completely outgrown the eating habits you practice--how awkward they really truly feel when you get down to it. It's time to establish something new.

Being diagnosed with Diabetes has brought forth tons of complicated emotions. I feel enormous shame, fear, insecurity, defeatedness, hopelessness, and anger. Part of me doesn't want anyone to know about it because of the shame I feel. I feel like people will think, "Well, duh, of course you have Diabetes. You're fat and you brought this on, so you get no sympathy from me." Ouch. I know that sounds harsh, but that's my fear..that people will think that. And they might, but also I have to remember that people have compassion and love me and want to support me however they can. That's already begun with KB, Darren, and my mom all rallying around me bringing their own unique ways of helping me. I just feel like the road ahead is so, so long, and I'm afraid I'll get tired and quit. The stakes are so high now, though, that I can't afford to quit. This might be the kick in the butt that I need.

One interesting observation I've made around all of this is how much PRIDE I need to swallow. (I love the idea of eating my pride rather than sugar and junk.) Man, my pride/ego is being picked to shreds right now by having to put this new label on myself--Diabetic. It's been astonishing to notice how much I resist getting advice, help, and, a lot of times, even kindness from anyone. Part of me wants to be stoic and go in a corner to lick my wounds alone without anyone around. But then last night I said something like this out loud to Darren, and it was very helpful for me:

"I believe that I am an infinite soul, that the ultimate value of my existance far exceeds the relatively small occurances that happen to me in this personality and this body in this lifetime. Ultimately I am more than any one event, feeling, disease, or thought that I have in any given moment. That said, though, by some miraculous grace I was given this personality and this body and this life, and, as for the gift of my body, well, I haven't taken the best care of it. I haven't really been in relationship to it. I haven't fed my body, moved it, or loved my body as it so craves. And so this is an opportunity for me to bring some much needed things into my experience--self-love, self-respect, self-forgiveness, discipline, self-denial, humility, and fierceness."

Yes, I want to be a warrior fighting on my own behalf. I like the idea of humility and fierceness!! Yeah!!

So, in practical terms, I'm eating 3 meals a day, and one small, healthy snack at night. No sugar, no chips (hardest!!!!), no fried foods, and for now, I'm trying no red meat. I'm increasing fruits and veggies, too. Exercise hasn't come in yet, but it will.

The doc put me on Metformin and wants to do more blood work in three months. It'll be intersting to see how the meds and dietary changes affect things in that time.

And now to take some advice from dear KB...I'm gonna go do some meditative breathing.

Wahoo for Us

Yep.  Day 5.  Now last night, I was pretty hungry.  So I had a bowl of rice krispies.  I didn't eat much dinner.  We had HUGE pork chops, some broccoli and rice and my father came over.  It wasn't my favorite dinner so I kind of picked at it.  I ate most of my chop, but not all the other stuff.  And we had pineapple for dessert.  So, a bowl of cereal and then Maki made some garlic bread and I had a few pieces.  Not bad. 
I was reading some OA literature last night (Maki's reading it too) about food plans.  Right now, 3 meals a day with 2 reasonable snacks seems to be working.  Perhaps when I feel a bit more stable, I can get more detailed?  Or maybe this is how it goes.  Because I know (putting my hand on my heart) what I need to eat.  Colorful food.  Smaller portions.  Less carby.  And if I can keep that in mind, maybe I can do this without all the details that make me feel deprived?  Who knows.  One day at a time.  And it's now day FIVE.

Also - I was reading all our past posts (we really posted a LOT!) and we are some wise, compassionate, brilliant, full-hearted women!  It's so comforting to read our words and be inspired by our own awarenesses.

Day 4

Abstinent for 4 days.  This means, for me:

• no sugar
• no snacking
• nothing fried

Those are my 3 biggest triggers in terms of overeating.  In other words, 3 of my most favorite things.  3 things that keep me in the haze.  I'm hungry right now.  But I'm trying, when I feel that sensation, to just breathe through it.  Breathing through something is pretty powerful.  I never felt quite committed before to really truly trying it.  When something comes up, just breathing.  So simple.  And yet, I have to be willing to do it.  Willingness, that's where it's at man.

Another New Start - Yay!

So, first, I went to OA this morning.  WA-FUCKIN-HOO!!!  Like, seriously, man.  It was the right thing to do and felt SO good!  It really did feel like coming home to some sanity and some hope.  I was not the only 'new/returning' person there - there was a woman who was returning after 20 years.  And the Castle Shannon meeting had like 25 people that day.  I've now had 2 days of abstinence (which for me, means no sugar and is NO SMALL FEAT!)  Yay me!  I have really taken care of myself and breathed through the hunger.  This is good and good to remember.  Just breathe through it.  Hunger makes me so so anxious.  And that's usually where I get tripped up.  It's such a hard place for me - I get so scared and then I make the quickest easiest decision I can about food - which usually means UNHEALTHY just to relieve that terrible awful emptiness.  For example - I had actually forgotten to eat breakfast before OA (it was a weird morning full of a lot of trepidation) but on my way there (I was running early) I stopped at McGinnis Sisters in Castle Shannon and bought and apple and a banana.  Easy, quick, cheap, HEALTHY.  Good for me.  And I had lunch with Maki and my father - where I had a spicy shrimp wrap and some tomato soup (promptly discarded however soon after at Marshalls - drat!)  And then a small portion dinner at a Chinese buffet (including sushi and wonton soup.)  And not only have I not eaten sugar in 2 days - I've also not snacked.  ANOTHER great feat for me!  I'm also headed to another OA meeting tonight.  WORTH THE TIME - don't forget.  It takes a lot of time to engage in an addiction - so I'm just exchanging a few hours for another few hours.  I spent quite a lot of time scheming and then feeling shame and feeling numb and now I can feel alive and hopeful.  This changes everything.