It's so amazing how KB and I, yet again, find that our seperate journeys with food and weight have led us to new committments to make some major changes. I don't think this is a coincidence...somehow we must be meant to do this together.
I've been feeling incredibly tired lately, and so I went to the doctor. My bloodwork came back showing that I have Type 2 Diabetes, and that my triglycerides and cholesterol levels are high. This isn't surprising since these things run in my family, but I have to say that I'm shocked to have to face these things at 36. And stepping on the scale at the doctor's was the first time I've done so in months...talk about alarming. I learned that I gained yet another 12 pounds which means my pattern has been perpetuated--I lose weight and then gain it all back and then some. All of this, as you can imagine, has been a huge, loud wake-up call. WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!!!
What I want to say to myself in this moment...
Wake up to how heavy and tired you feel, how your body wants to be nourished with vitamin packed foods, how your spirit will be fed by bringing consciousness to what you're eating, how, even after just two days of eating differently, you feel so much more alive, and how much you've completely outgrown the eating habits you practice--how awkward they really truly feel when you get down to it. It's time to establish something new.
Being diagnosed with Diabetes has brought forth tons of complicated emotions. I feel enormous shame, fear, insecurity, defeatedness, hopelessness, and anger. Part of me doesn't want anyone to know about it because of the shame I feel. I feel like people will think, "Well, duh, of course you have Diabetes. You're fat and you brought this on, so you get no sympathy from me." Ouch. I know that sounds harsh, but that's my fear..that people will think that. And they might, but also I have to remember that people have compassion and love me and want to support me however they can. That's already begun with KB, Darren, and my mom all rallying around me bringing their own unique ways of helping me. I just feel like the road ahead is so, so long, and I'm afraid I'll get tired and quit. The stakes are so high now, though, that I can't afford to quit. This might be the kick in the butt that I need.
One interesting observation I've made around all of this is how much PRIDE I need to swallow. (I love the idea of eating my pride rather than sugar and junk.) Man, my pride/ego is being picked to shreds right now by having to put this new label on myself--Diabetic. It's been astonishing to notice how much I resist getting advice, help, and, a lot of times, even kindness from anyone. Part of me wants to be stoic and go in a corner to lick my wounds alone without anyone around. But then last night I said something like this out loud to Darren, and it was very helpful for me:
"I believe that I am an infinite soul, that the ultimate value of my existance far exceeds the relatively small occurances that happen to me in this personality and this body in this lifetime. Ultimately I am more than any one event, feeling, disease, or thought that I have in any given moment. That said, though, by some miraculous grace I was given this personality and this body and this life, and, as for the gift of my body, well, I haven't taken the best care of it. I haven't really been in relationship to it. I haven't fed my body, moved it, or loved my body as it so craves. And so this is an opportunity for me to bring some much needed things into my experience--self-love, self-respect, self-forgiveness, discipline, self-denial, humility, and fierceness."
Yes, I want to be a warrior fighting on my own behalf. I like the idea of humility and fierceness!! Yeah!!
So, in practical terms, I'm eating 3 meals a day, and one small, healthy snack at night. No sugar, no chips (hardest!!!!), no fried foods, and for now, I'm trying no red meat. I'm increasing fruits and veggies, too. Exercise hasn't come in yet, but it will.
The doc put me on Metformin and wants to do more blood work in three months. It'll be intersting to see how the meds and dietary changes affect things in that time.
And now to take some advice from dear KB...I'm gonna go do some meditative breathing.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
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