Traby's Here!

So, while Traby and I are very similar in a lot of ways, we're pretty different gals.  I love to write and it's helpful, but for Traby sometimes, it gets her into the mire, but I'm glad she's popped in for some words!

I LOVE the mini-goals.  I might try that myself.  I'll put on my thinking cap tonight and decide what rewards might be motivating, besides the obvious ones like health, which sometimes seem so nebulous that they're hard to imagine.  I think that's a brilliant idea!  Woohoo!

My first week went well, in terms of making consistent choices and taking care of me-in-hunger which is my most vulnerable state.  Emotionally/spiritually however, I was a bit of a wreck.  There was also some PMS involved.  But I really see my coming down from sugar every day (many days 2-3 times a day!) as a kind of detox period.  Not sure my husband buys that, but it feels nearly as psychologically dangerous as I might imagine drugs or alcohol detox is.  I don't get the intense physical results of detox, but the feeling that I'm out there, in the world, naked without any tools is definitely something I feel.  I USE sugar.  I am a user.  And without it, the world feels a bit scary.  So resisting that temptation to use again, just for a moment of relief is pretty great.  I have to keep saying no to sugar and yes to myself, my real sugar-free self. 

I'm Here, Too

Yep, like K I'm also trying once again to be more healthy and lose weight. I gained 12lbs since my last attempt, so my new goal is to lose 112lbs. Whew.

Last week was my first full week of eating mostly all whole foods, 3 meals a day plus one light snack, and almost no sugar. It went pretty well, and I got some good results, but I still haven't incorporated the excercise component. That starts this week. I signed up for a Community College class called "Aerobics for the Overweight and Out-Of-Shape." Perfect for me! I'm feeling some anxiety about going, but I'm hoping to find that it gets easier and easier the more I go. The first class is Wednesday night. Aside from that, daily brisk walks with my pup are the plan for getting some exercise. I bought a pair of tennis shoes, so I no longer have any excuses. I just have to do it.

I had a piece of cake after dinner last night and the rest of the night craving wise was very, very difficult. That was my first sugar for the week, and I'm thinking there's a definite connection there. Plus I have PMS. : ) All good stuff to look at as I move forward.

Oh, and I decided to break my big goal up into 4 mini goals of 28lbs each. I have rewards set for each quarter. They are:
- Lose 28lbs = a Pittsburgh weekend where I go to the museum one day and the Aviary the next.
- Lose 56lbs = a long weekend to visit my dear sister and her family in Florida.
- Lose 84lbs = a romantic night with my hubby at The Tara, the fancy resort-like B&B where we stayed on our wedding night.
- Lose 112lbs = a return trip to Hawaii to revisit our honeymoon spot!

Go, go, go! Museum and Aviary, here I come!

Day 3

So day 3 of....what shall we call this, the 2010 Reset Button Project?  Sure!  So, day 3 of the 2010 Reset Button Project has started off well.  Weight Watchers is such a great system for me, though it does involves numbers (calculations are done by the site!) I find that really being clear on how much I'm eating is helpful in being present with the idea of 'fueling' my body vs. using food as a coping mechanism. 

I picked up a cool magazine yesterday called GOOD and the whole issue is about slowing down.  Pretty good stuff and one of their suggestions about how we can slow down is by eliminating something (TV, sugar, cell phone, etc).  But what I loved about the advice, is that they focused on replacing that something with something else.  Since food is how I 'manage' or maybe, in other words, 'don't manage' I'm kind of left without skills.  Or maybe I'm left having to rely on dusty skills I neglect to use because I numb out with food so often.  Hmph.  This is tough - tough on my husband too!  My crankiness is tripled because of coming off of sugar AND not having that stuffed-full feeling to 'make it all better.'  And there have been 3 headaches so far this week, I'm sure that's the no-sugar feeling my body isn't quite used to.  But I'm hoping that will end. 

I AM feeling overwhelmed though - at home and at work, so the desire to escape is strong!  I'm hoping that some working-out at the Y.  I brought all my stuff to work today - we'll see if I can get there.  Have a bit of a busy day.  But I know it would help.

Chaos Always

There's never a good time, in terms of what's happening in life to get going with a diet, is there?  Life is always messy.  I think the more peace I can have with that, the better.  Anxiety has become a constant part of my life these days and I wonder if eating better and MOVING can help ease some of that.  I don't 'wonder' really, I know.  But I just joined weight watchers online AGAIN and am going to join the YMCA near our new house this afternoon.  Time to get moving.  I feel kind of sad, tired and defeated about it all which makes me feel even more sad, tired and defeated.  I just need to get onto that kindness wagon again.  Get some compassion.  Sometimes, it feels like the hardest thing in the world to get a little of that towards myself.  Maybe these 'acts' of WW and the YMCA will help. 

It's Time To Return to My Body and Kindness

I've been a bitter hungry girl for the past few months. And I decided to put whatever I wanted into my mouth. Anything I wanted and in any amount. Frankly, there's something to that. Letting yourself off the hook. There are different ways to let yourself off the hook though. And I'm read to let myself off the hook in another way now. Work on relieving some of my anger toward J and the gym and how much I went through and the choices I made after it all was over. I haven't weighed myself since maybe mid-July and I know (I can feel it, believe me!) I've gained 10+ lbs. I'm uncomfortable and there's an undeniable sadness and shame that I'm feeling. Hell, I have concerns that I might not fit into an airplane seat for our flight to Key West for Christmas. Try carrying around THAT burden for a while. It's time for balance and some serenity again.

Saturday Morning

It's Saturday morning and I'm tired and feeling like, "Wow, look what I did last week! Glad I'll never have to do that again!" I'm meeting J in 20 minutes for another grueling workout. When I finish (this is the part that worries me) I need to rush home, shower and head off to a special preview showing of the new "Star Trek" with Maki. Um....I can't like....move...when I'm done with those workouts! At least last week, it took me a good 1/2 hour 45 minutes to recover. I'm all shaky and red and sweaty. It's a beautiful site. I'm not sure I can imagine jumping the shower immediately and having the poise to do my hair? Or frankly, the concern. After workouts, and it's kind of a nice blissed-out feeling, I don't really care about anything. ANYthing. This is good for Maki, since most of my workouts are after work and I when I come home I'm not focused on anything messy (that's typical me) so this is yet another lesson in my life to learn from these workouts. Phooey. I'd rather lie in bed and read this morning.

But here I go - I'm putting on my pants, washing my face, trying to make my short hair do SOMEthing so I don't look like Phyllis Diller. And off I go.

Tired, Hungry, in Pain

Nearly a week of my new regiment. Pursuing my health in this way has created a universal shift in my life. I've been working with an amazing therapist for about a year and a half (thanks to Traby for recommending her! Couldn't have survived this past year without her help!) and my work with her has been pretty essential to making this change. As she knows and I know (and everyone else in my life knows) I get stuck in my head. Sometimes being introspective is really good, but in my life, I tend to stay there, take root and get stuck. If I can't answer the 'why' than obviously, I can't proceed, right?

Wrong.

That's what I've been doing in certain areas of my life for sooooo long. Making this choice to work with a trainer was a deliberate move to skip over the 'why' and into some action. It was also a clear step out of a sad cycle I've been in for many, many years with myself. The whole dance of finally getting fed up with myself, accepting the assessment of some pretty nasty inner-voices that would say things like 'you don't deserve to eat' and then jumping into some drastic plan that stemmed from frustration and desperation and severe disappointment in myself. Then, I fail because I've laid out a plan that's not terribly kind or wholistic and the cycle of punishment and disappointment begins again.

This is what I do.

It's well-known territory for me. And pretty comfortable. I always know the outcome and the whole thing just keeps me stuck, stuck, stuck and confirms all those voices that I'm weak, I have no willpower, etc. etc.

So, in working toward more and more self-compassion and the movement of 'holding things in my life lightly (not gripping too hard, not letting totally go, but holding it lightly) has created a kind of spaciousness that I haven't known before. This work has many roots, many of which formed from the generous people in my life who share their struggles and stories of courage and bravery in light of sometimes tragic and painful circumstances. Being surrounded by people who continue to open and open and open to themselves and their lives is pretty powerful. In addition, being married to a man who accepts me unequivacably and in all states of my being is pretty rockin'. Being with him for 2 1/2 years (despite what he thinks!) has had an effect on me.

In my session with my therapist last night, we came to the heart of this decision and it's been haunting my thoughts (in a good way!) since. All my life, I've worked very very hard to not feel 3 things:

1. tired
2. hungry
3. physical pain

And I've created a life where I never have to feel those things. I take plenty of naps, I eat all I want, when I want. And I don't do things to my body that would put any part of it in pain (other than 2 tattoos and one nose piercing!) And now, this work that I'm doing with Jason (my trainer) is about all 3 of those Every. Single. Day. Every day I'm more tired (though more energized in other ways) than I like to be; I'm hungrier than I'd like to be and I'm definitely in more pain each day than I'd like to be. This is all new for me. The state of being uncomfortable has a lot to teach me I think.

So does the state of pushing myself beyond my limits. I've had the experience of pushing myself beyond my limits in other areas of my life: my job, my relationships, therapy, my writing, friendships, but never physically. So it's been really empowering to be with myself as I physically go beyond what I thought I could do. What does it mean in my life to see myself do things that not only have I not wanted to do (and continue to not want to do in some respects) but things that I didn't think I could do? Those minutes (which feel like hours sometimes) on the treadmill I'm encountering a brand new part of myself. It's pretty appealing. And when I'm standing next to Jason and he's pushing me to stretch and stretch (literally and figuratively) to reach a place I've never been before, I'm waking up in a whole new way.

And that's only after 3 sessions!

This is big.....big.