Neglected

Traby and I have both in difficult places the past few weeks, and that means, no blogging and making some pretty hard choices. I think that's different about this experience for both of us, is that we're not 'giving up on ourselves.' I'm so used to trying something, and when it doesn't work perfectly, taking my leave. But eating is something I've built so many stories and habits around, there's no way it's going to smooth-sailing. It's very very difficult stuff. In many ways, it's easier to make choices that 'give up' like fast food, dessert, etc. Easier, in one sense, but much harder in another. Traby and I have tried and tried to depress our reset buttons, but neither of us had much luck - EXCEPT when one day last week, we checked in with eachother every hour of the work day and made hour-long goals. Frankly, it worked really well, but neither of our work days lend themselves well to that kind of vigilance with each other. Though we can definitely devise ways to do it that will work for us. Perhaps setting a morning, afternoon and evening goal. no doubt that the act of speaking a goal or even writing one down, can change our energy around it and commitment to it. Which is why I'm sitting here blogging after a long absence. I know this act of being present can shift things for me. Tonight, while I had a fine dinner (1/2 a chicken salad sandwich) I topped it off with brownies and ice cream. It doesn't feel so good. It's definitely not contributing to my overall goals. I can't blame stress (things have been much more calm lately) so this is all me going back to habits that are hard to break. Again, compassion and stick-to-it-ness! Whether we're not making healthy choices, or not blogging or not exercising, it doesn't mean it's all for nothing. I'm so used to it meaning that, well not this time.

Here I Am

Well, I've certainly come to a new level of awareness around habit, lately. Especailly my habits around eating. For the past several weeks I've been eating all kinds of junk, sugar and imbalanced meals. I've also been eating just to eat when I'm not at all hungry, going for that super stuffed feeling. My energy has decreased hugely. My stomach gets upset more often. I've experienced changes in my body chemistry, like the taste in my mouth, etc. I'm cranky, uncentered, and sleepy. I set a goal to take good care of myself with exercise and food, and I ignore it daily, and that makes me miserable. I've gained back 5 pounds. What additional information do I need to be convinced that mindfulness is a sort of panacea to my own dis-ease? Why do I choose to revel in needless suffering when freedom is a shift away?

Sigh.

And there's definitely a bit of a viscious circle here. My stress level makes me feel tired, cranky, and imbalanced, and then I eat junk to comfort myself because of it. And then the way the junk food fuels my body makes me feel more tired, cranky, and imbalanced...get it? Ugh!

But like KB said, external stress factors are never going to go away. There's always going to be some reason to feel off my rocker. So mindfulness in all things is what I want to go for. Lightness, too. When I can be light with myself and the choices I have to make, everything shifts. If I'm faced with a choice between a cookie and an apple, I can take joy in the fact that I have a choice between a cookie and an apple, check in about what I want, and move with whatever is there. Or I can be angry that I have a choice between a cookie and an apple, and then move what whatever is there. The key is being mindful of where I am in any given moment, and these last few weeks I've been a full out zombie when it comes to eating and many other things, too.

But today I chose yogurt for breakfast, and a chicken/apple salad for lunch. I'm already feeling much better. I think I need to get a tattoo on the back of my hand that says something like, "I create my own experience with the choices I make." What freedom in that! Now if I can only remember...

Not Funny Ha-Ha

It's funny, I was considering what to write about today and I thought, well, I definitely need to mention my busy week and all the stuff going on, because that will explain some of my food choices (not the best!) however, I realized, that's life. That's life there, happening as it tends to do. So, every week I'd like to blame something (my mother's health, conflicting schedules with Maki, my own health) or someone (sorry Traby!) on how hard it was to plan and make choices that contribute to my overall goals. And yet, every week that darn life-stuff will be there. The trick is finding out how to keep managing food and eating in the midst of it all. It's easier when things are super slow and steady and I have plenty of free-time to plan and think and dream. And sometimes life's like that (not lately!) but mostly I'd say it's not. So I have to figure out better choices inside that kind of schedule which is mostly how it is for me (and I assume Traby.)

Some things I think that would help:

• Always having fresh fruit and veggies around. Those are easy snacks and easy ways to make a meal more balanced. Yesterday, I had steamed chicken for lunch. Not bad. But that was it. I wish I had had some green/red pepper to eat with that. I love that crunch at lunch (hey I rhymed!)
• Always having chicken around. Steamed chicken (how lame and I?) is one of my favorite things. It's easy, healthy and I actually really enjoy it all by itself. And steaming it in the microwave takes 5 minutes.
  
• Taking note of fast lunch/dinner options. Like Subway, Qdoba, Einstein's and Eat-n-Park's salad bar. All three of these I enjoy, they're all cheap and relatively fast. So I can't quite use the old excuses of money and time!
• Taking even a quick walk during my work day. There's nothing stopping me (though I think there is!) from taking a quick walk around the beautiful West End some work days. Especially on days where I can't or won't get to the gym. That's one part I've definitely slacked on. I'm making an attempt to go this weekend (don't I say that every weekend?)

I've hit a rough spot and feel a bit discouraged, but the more times I work through that and continue on (before I'd give up, easily!) the more I get that these are lifestyle changes. And establishing new habits takes work, even when the going gets tough, I have to keep trying and not get so defeated I just check out.

Reb Robin and Feist

So this weekend Maki and I went to Red Robin. The hamburger joint. I had been making some good decisions all weekend and just had a craving for a burger and fries. I didn't regret it and I even found that it was cool to get a 'real craving.' As opposed to just deciding (for whatever reason) to eat something junky. It was cool to get a craving and respond to it. And to have that food I was craving be very different than my daily choices. That's not my usual situation. Even if I have a craving for something (usual sugar) it's daily and I feed that craving daily. There's something empowering to making fairly consistent healthy choices and then having a craving for something a little unhealthy and deciding to eat it. I'm not being terribly articulate about this - it's crystal clear in my head of course! But it was nice to experience junk food as a treat and not as a regular food. There, I think I said it.

This morning too, I was listening to Feist on the way to work - she rocks, by the way. And her song: I Feel it All really resonated. I feel very exposed to the world and all that's going on - in a good way. There's a lot on my plate and in my heart these days and the last 2 weeks I've been drowning under it all. This morning, I felt a new spaciousness. Traby often reminds me that we all have all we need to manage and that we can manage and that 'there is enough.' I have big issues with 'enough' (food, time, energy, sleep, etc!) and I get very antsy when life feels crowded that I don't perhaps have whatever sugar I want when I want it or hours and hours of continuous free-time to waste away. Last night I had an evening meeting that lasted from 7-11 and I got very anxious driving home that I didn't have time to myself. Yet, the evening was tremendously enjoyable and fulfilling and energizing. It's funny that I don't focus on that part. I have trouble when I have too much going on on weeknights - but on the way home, Traby's words kept popping into my head: "there will be enough." That's big stuff. And 'enough' is at the heart of my issues with eating and it's important to see how my anxiety about 'enough' plays a role in so many other parts of my life. It's all connected, man. Feist and Red Robin.

Puppets and Scales

Workplaces ARE hard. For nearly a month, there have been these amazing thumb-print (I think I've referred to them as fist-prints in a past post) at my office. Huge cookies with 2 inches of icing (icing is my drug of choice!) and it's been very very tough to see them everyday. I bring in oatmeal for breakfast at work, when really, I'd prefer to sit down with a whole plate of those cookies. Be thankful those aren't your office cookies, Traby! But, I know after a conversation Traby and I had the other night, that probably for both of us, even a little sugar, ignites that craving and sends us both into a bit of a spiral struggle. That's a tough one, because I rationalize (and sometimes it's true) just a little sugar will calm that craving. Some weeks that works for me. A block of very dark chocolate will give me some satisfaction. Other decisions, like low-fat ice cream, will satisfy too, but that one (I'm learning) will send me for more.

But I've had some relief. It's about time for things to ease up just a bit. The hunger has eased ever so slightly. Friday - today haven't been too bad - although, part of me believes I'll just need to get used to being hungrier than I am normally. When you stuff yourself at nearly every meal, that becomes the feeling you equate with satisfaction. I think Traby has said this before, but I didn't often feel my tummy rumble with hunger. So when it does now (and it's often!) it's uncomfortable and causes me some serious anxiety. I'm more interested in stuffing that feeling than feeling it (such a comment about how I approach some things in my life for sure!) But I'm slowly adjusting to being hungry more often. And as Traby has said also, this is not forever. There's a great song in the musical Avenue Q (hence the whacko picture) called "Only for Now" and even on the back of my car, is the bumper sticker, "it's all temporary." Continually reminding myself of that has been helping lately. A lot. I think Traby repeating it has allowed me to hear it and take it in a bit differently.

I also bought a new scale this week - our scale (RIP) has been the source of great confusion for me. The past 2 weeks I've gotten numbers that range from 15 lbs lower than usual (I should have just taken that number!) to 5 lbs higher. Since the scale is definitely one of the measurements of progress, it's important to have an accurate one. I had Traby bring hers over last week and yah, ours was dying. We bought a fun new one at Ikea and it appears, it's more our floors than the scale. We have to keep the scale in one place to make sure it's accurately weighing us. So, since this is a new number, I'm kind of discouraged, but I keep on going. Here's where I would normally throw in the towel, but Traby's here next to me, chugging away with wisdom and grace so maybe I can too.

Crumby

Just like many workplaces, mine has a breakroom with a table in it. All week long people bring in snacks to share, and they go on the table. Usually I can just ignore the snacks, but I'm having trouble today. On Wednesday, someone brought in a fantastic crumb cake, and I had a small piece "just to be polite." (Of course I could have said "no thanks" and that would have been fine, but I justified it as such.) Yesterday someone brought in these lovely, light, sweet, delicious heart-shaped butterscotch cookies. They're very small, and I had one yesterday. Today I've already had two, and it's only 10:00 a.m. I hear them calling me! I wish I didn't have that one yesterday, because now I know what I'm missing. Drat! Also, I know this about me...once I start eating sweets, it's a slippery slope for me. Since I'm not a "just eat one or two cookies" kind of gal (yet), it's better for me to not have any at all at this point. I guess I just wanted to record this so that I can remember in the future that, for me, sugar begets sugar. For now, no sugar is what will work best for me to acheive my goal.

So, KB and I have spent a lot of time talking about developing new habits around eating, exercise and being hungry. We talk about being mindful and attentive to what we ultimately want for ourselves...to be physically healthy. But in this moment I'm really aware that maybe we could also look at our habits around how we relate to ourselves when we're not meeting our goals or expectations. We say we want to be compassionate and gentle with ourselves, and I think we've both made huge strides in this area, but it seems there are more possibilities for deepening our love for ourselves. This is what makes all of this totally, totally different than just being on a diet.

What if there are no good or bad eating days? What if there are just eating days? How do we acheive goals while holding this kind of fluidity? How can we go for something new and different while still honoring our human-ness? I don't really know, but I'm working it out slowly by trying different things.

I so know the part of me that goes to misery or despair because I'm feeling stressed or because I can't have what I want...sugar, fries, potato chips, or just that feeling of being completely stuffed with food. Who is choosing that despair? Who is making me miserable? Who is labeling being hungry as being unfulfilled or suffering? Who meets changes or challenges and chooses to call them "stressful?" Me! And then, when I'm miserable, I "get" to eat junk. What a convenient set up, huh?

When I really let it sink in that what is going on in my life cannot make me feel a certain way--that I choose at any given moment how to relate to anything I encounter--I realize that I only have control over one thing. My choices. What if it's all as simple as choosing not to label a moment as miserable because I'm hungry or because I'm in over my head at work?
But the thing is, it doesn't feel simple because of the years and years of habitual reactions that I have to things like feeling hungry, stress, etc. It doesn't feel simple at all. And, sure, there is definitely a part of me that wants to believe that it's impossible. But, there's also a part of me that knows I want more for myself. I don't want to be reduced to my habits...I'm more than that. And even though at first it almost feels like a lie, I have experienced changing habitual ways of reacting to things by just "acting as if" until I finally get that I want to be happy, open, curious, fluid, etc. Trying something new, no matter what it is, is the ticket out of old ways of being that keep me stagnant and small. Any movement is good movement.

And you know one thing that is just so super and uplifting? I have people in my life like KB and Darren who know I'm more than just my habits, misery, hunger, etc., too. In any given moment I'm way more than any one emotion or reaction that I'm experiencing, and they help me remember that. And I help them remember, too.

One thing KB and I talked about when we first committed to this "New Start" is that we wanted to hold ourselves and one another in that wholeness of being that acknowleges all of who we are, not just our successes and failures. That larger view of ourselves can help us remember what we really want for ourselves--to be big beyond our habits, and to know we are fully able to give ourselves healthly bodies, minds and spirits.