So, KB and I have spent a lot of time talking about developing new habits around eating, exercise and being hungry. We talk about being mindful and attentive to what we ultimately want for ourselves...to be physically healthy. But in this moment I'm really aware that maybe we could also look at our habits around how we relate to ourselves when we're not meeting our goals or expectations. We say we want to be compassionate and gentle with ourselves, and I think we've both made huge strides in this area, but it seems there are more possibilities for deepening our love for ourselves. This is what makes all of this totally, totally different than just being on a diet.

What if there are no good or bad eating days? What if there are just eating days? How do we acheive goals while holding this kind of fluidity? How can we go for something new and different while still honoring our human-ness? I don't really know, but I'm working it out slowly by trying different things.

I so know the part of me that goes to misery or despair because I'm feeling stressed or because I can't have what I want...sugar, fries, potato chips, or just that feeling of being completely stuffed with food. Who is choosing that despair? Who is making me miserable? Who is labeling being hungry as being unfulfilled or suffering? Who meets changes or challenges and chooses to call them "stressful?" Me! And then, when I'm miserable, I "get" to eat junk. What a convenient set up, huh?

When I really let it sink in that what is going on in my life cannot make me feel a certain way--that I choose at any given moment how to relate to anything I encounter--I realize that I only have control over one thing. My choices. What if it's all as simple as choosing not to label a moment as miserable because I'm hungry or because I'm in over my head at work?
But the thing is, it doesn't feel simple because of the years and years of habitual reactions that I have to things like feeling hungry, stress, etc. It doesn't feel simple at all. And, sure, there is definitely a part of me that wants to believe that it's impossible. But, there's also a part of me that knows I want more for myself. I don't want to be reduced to my habits...I'm more than that. And even though at first it almost feels like a lie, I have experienced changing habitual ways of reacting to things by just "acting as if" until I finally get that I want to be happy, open, curious, fluid, etc. Trying something new, no matter what it is, is the ticket out of old ways of being that keep me stagnant and small. Any movement is good movement.

And you know one thing that is just so super and uplifting? I have people in my life like KB and Darren who know I'm more than just my habits, misery, hunger, etc., too. In any given moment I'm way more than any one emotion or reaction that I'm experiencing, and they help me remember that. And I help them remember, too.

One thing KB and I talked about when we first committed to this "New Start" is that we wanted to hold ourselves and one another in that wholeness of being that acknowleges all of who we are, not just our successes and failures. That larger view of ourselves can help us remember what we really want for ourselves--to be big beyond our habits, and to know we are fully able to give ourselves healthly bodies, minds and spirits.