Back from the Dead

So, the stomach flu. Not the best diet-aid. But it kept me from most food (and sugar!) for about 5 days. It was rough - but thankfully, part of the stomach flu is not having any appetite so while I didn't always feel physically hungry, I felt emotionally hungry for sure! But I've lost (adding up the pre-sickness losses) a total of 7 lbs so far. That puts me a mere 3 away from my goal. Perhaps I'll even get past my goal before our vacation on July 20th.

It IS tricky however, returning from a stomach flu. I have such powerful hunger and cravings at the moment and it's tempting not to just go nuts to 'make up for lost time.' Isn't that a funny perspective? I have such a messed up view of how 'deserve' and 'food' connect. So I'm trying to take it easy, but my cravings are back in full-force!

Traby's Back (and so is a bit of sugar)

Yay, Traby's returnred to the blog. She's a very busy gal and I'm thrilled she's made some time to check in with the blog (and herself) in the writing way. She's enrolled in this amazing program that, to spare our readers a long description, kind of centers around self-discovery and opening up to the world, ie: love. It's been an amazing 4-year journey for her, and frankly, for everyone who knows her, because what she's learning and going through is so powerful that its ripple effects have reached far and wide. I owe a ton of my own growth and discovery to her openness and courage in this program. At any rate, this weekend, she graduates. Though, do we really every graduate from these kinds of journeys? She'll probably continue to be involved with the school of course, but her 'lessons' and awakenings will last far into the future. She's a solid rock of inspiration, compassion and strength and my heart fills with gratitude every time she crosses my mind.

Of course, our blog is about more than merely spending a paragraph singing the praises of eachother, but since our friendship is one of the tools we're utilizing to try and be awake to our evolving health, I thought it was important to note Traby's current project. Each weekend that she's at school, she comes back with a stronger inner light that really radiates. Each of us, faces challenges all the time; family, relationships, friendships, work. And Traby always seems to be grounded in the midst of whatever she's facing (ok, just a few more sentences! I swear it will all circle back to health!) And that kind of presence breathes deep around others (a little poetic language for this Saturday afternoon.) She brings a compassion to every level of experience, something that's hard to do, once you get deeper and deeper into what our real motivations are, and begin to uncover what could be unsavory dirty secrets. It's at those levels, I find being present with myself with compassion that hardest, and, that's where it's most important.

We've said this before here, but speaking for myself, my choices and approach to life hasn't centered around compassion and presence until recently. And to face some of the same challenges (eating for example) in this new way is hard work. However, as Traby noted in her recent post, something like grace sneaks in and gives us some breathing room. There's been a lot of grace in my life recently, or rather, maybe I've merely noticed it more. That whole awake/aware thing, pretty important. Being awake to grace is powerful. It resets my whole outlook. And allows compassion to flow a little easier.

My 12 days of sugar ended Thursday when I had a pop-tart. No biggie (here's where the compassion comes in!) But then, I got a stomach flu. Good grief! On the bright side, it's kicked my weight-loss into high gear. I've lost 9 lbs in 2 1/2 weeks. I haven't had a full meal (or for that matter, real food) since Thursday. The pasta I ate last night (and subsequently voided soon thereafter doesn't count!) So it's been tea, broth, diet coke, jello and a few saltines for me for 2 days. I'm starving. But, I have to say, sitting in hunger for 2 days allows me to do a little more work around how I connect anxiety and hunger. So I'm grateful for that, and I see a little grace even in that. I just hope I'm not dying!

Hmmm...

Didn't plan anything for breakfast today, and I can't get out of work to go get something. That's not a good start!

Still Here

Wow, KB. 12 days sugar-free is so amazing. I'm so proud of you for continuing to meet your goal! And so glad to hear that you're feeling positive results from your choice to eliminate sugar. You've inspired me to make tomorrow day one (because I already had sugar today and want to start with a new, clean day).

A lot has happened over my super long hiatus from blogging. Mostly I reverted back to my old habitual state of doing things without self-presence, and not just around eating, either. But some grace has come in, and once again I'm remembering that I want to be present to myself and my own life.

I was recently introduced to the concept of GRACE and SELF-EFFORT being the two wings on the bird that flies to God. I love that marriage of grace and self-effort. I know the beauty of grace in my life...for example, I'm someone who can go into feeling a lot of gratitude easily. What a great way into my heart! But the self-effort is so foreign to me...I tell myself I can't do anything before I even have a chance to try something effortful or disciplined. There's definitely still a little girl in me who wants to rebel against anything effortful, who thinks that effort is a punishment instead of knowing the ultimate reward of giving myself the health and balance that I want. I just need to start telling my little girl to hush up now. Hush now. Shhhhhh. Time for the adults to take over.

The 12 Days of Sugar-Free-Ness

So, it's the 12th day and it's going very well. The temptation isn't very strong, but the craving is still there. Though, when the craving comes up, what's helping is, of course, getting grounded and reminding myself, that sensation I'm craving is not only terribly fleeting, but the regret lasts quite a while and it's frankly, not worth it. What also helps, is reminding myself that this is temporary. Traby and I have talked about this before. I don't plan to live a completely sugar-free life (good lord, what's the fun in that?) However, for now, it's what I need to do to get my body back on track. And really, this relationship I have with sugar isn't something I want to foster or even continue. Sugar (at least, in the ways I'm referring to it, that is, in cake, cookie, cupcake, ice cream etc. form) isn't something I want to eat every day at every meal (there is a part of me that does, of course!) so it's important that I take sugar back to its intended role in my life, 'a treat.' Sugar is a treat, not a daily, food group that I eat at every meal. It feels strange not to be eating it though. When I'm sugarless, it always heightens my sense of sugar in other foods (grapes, apples, watermelon, bananas, peanut butter) and my sense of smell. Just walking through the bakery section of Whole Foods is divine. It's filled with the sugary aroma from heaven. And on my drive to work this morning, I thought, with all the other stresses and issues in my life, it's nice to have this one (the oppressive gray cloud of guilt) gone.

The Fifth

Today, the 5th sugar-free day. I feel really good. But in that afraid-I-feel-so-good-way. My migraines/daily-headaches are under control, haven't had one of those for almost 2 weeks, which, after having a headache 4 days of the week, is REALLY nice. I mean, I hadn't realized how much my head hurt all the time until they started going away. Nearly every day after work I'd get one, for a good part of the evening. It was awful. So that's divine! And I realized this morning, Maki and I have been going to bed around 11-11:30 and getting up at 7 (my normal work-day wakeup time) but that's only about 6 1/2 hours of sleep. Normally, I'd be dragging out of bed and dragging in the late PM work hours and then craving a nap upon getting home from work. So far this week, none of that has happened. Could I be I'm not overstuffing myself with food and/or carbs? Hmm. It's a nice feeling, I have to say. It really is.

Also, I realized that I like counting my sugar-free days. When I was in OA, that's very encouraged and it made an impact on me each day, like it somehow reminded me to renew my commitment to myself. Back then, I got to over 90 days sugar-free. That seems nearly impossible at the moment - but one meal at a time and if necessary, one hour at a time.

This is good.

Mealtime

So today is day 4 of sugar-free-ness. Still hard, but it does make me very awake. Maybe that's what I don't like? Maybe my tendency, and what I've defined as my 'natural state of being' is far more numb than being sugar-free allows. Eating well and making healthy choices in general requires one to be pretty awake. I know Traby emailed me some thoughts the other day (Traby, the blog misses you!) about the simplicity (and ultimately difficulty!) of bringing awareness and compassion to every bite we take. That's new to both of us, and imagine most people. I wonder if those eating habits were influenced by the way my family prepared and enjoyed meals? I'm sure it comes from a bit of everything.

These days, eating with my fiance is sometimes challenging. He's a fast eater. He LOVES food and gets lost in the visceral enjoyment of chewing, swallowing and digesting. It's sweet, but I have the tendency to eat just as fast, which, while it works for him, doesn't work for me. The fast pace takes me away from the sensation of getting full - integral to my portion control! So I have to consciously slow down when we share meals together. When I'm with Traby, we talk so much that we just naturally eat slow. Maybe I need to blather on more during dinner! HA!

Two Days Sugar-Free

This is, in my world known, as a BIG THING. It's huge for me not to eat sugar on a daily basis. And sugar-free living brings its familiar feelings (deprivation, sadness, bitterness, jealousy etc.) and those are hard to figure out for me. But that nasty cloud of 'when will I ever figure this out??' has lifted. I need to continually remind myself about that part. It's tough to have a goal you've had for YEARS (and I mean over 1/2 of my life!) and every day not choose it. It's hard to find compassion for that. But I know that's the only path. Luckily, this week, I see my sweet therapist and am finally going to make room to talk about sugar and food and eating. I have my day's meals planned but work days are hard - sitting here at my desk without something to munch on. I have my water, a banana and some trail mix in case I can't stand it. Better than the chocolate that's ever-present in our office.

We're Still Here - Well, Sorta

So, it's been very very tough lately for Traby and me. We've both lost a lot of our energy and willingness around this endeavor. However, it's still on our hearts. Various things throughout the days remind me - getting out of breath from walking up some stairs, buying summer clothes, thinking about buying a bathing suit, thinking about my wedding. And the biggest thing is how bad I feel about myself when I'm not taking care of myself. The overtly bad choices I continue to make may alleviate some stress very temporarily, but it creates such negativity overall and changes the whole tone of my days and nights. It's funny how some good choices in just one day can lift that negativity and allow me to see myself infinitely more compassionately and lovingly - it's because I was compassionate and loving toward myself with those choices. So this morning, I woke with a renewed sense of hope (even though I have a huge zit on my cheek that makes me want to crawl into a hole!)

And as shallow as this might sound, I'm afraid of the pictures of my wedding - if I know the 5 months leading up to it that I didn't take care of myself and try to make good choices, it's going to be very hard to look at those pictures with joy. But if i make an attempt, I can imagine those pictures are going to show a different kind of presence.

Today, I'm trying to be sugar-free. Small goal - big deal.