Time to Check In

This has been an unusually emotionally stressful week with my mother in the hospital. And that, as a wise woman once said, means 'when we stress, we regress.' Well, not quite regression, but definitely not taking enough time to make sure I have what I need to eat well and am checking in with myself. However, let me balance this with giving myself enormous credit for no binge eating! Yay me! I even had Chinese food for lunch one day and got chicken and broccoli with the sauce on the side and I used very little of it. I did have a rather large cookie as well on Tuesday that tasted ever-so good, I admit it. And sadly, there are about 40 of them in our work freezer right now. (damn Macy's!)

I ran out of milk at home a few days ago and I didn't plan my lunches all that well, like Traby said about eating during those unstructured days, it's hard stuff. But it's felt good not to 'lose it' in the midst of this hard time. I tell you, I really felt the pull though. Several times on my way home from the hospital late at night, I passed the Wendy's gritting my teeth not to turn the steering wheel. It's my comfort/drug of choice, and right now, when my heart is hurting, that desire for 'just letting go' (in my definition of the phrase) is very powerful. Instead, I'm taking magnificent comfort in Traby, in the super sweet fiance, Maki and really being able to provide my mother with some comfort inside her own pain and fear. That's been pretty big to be involved in. And while it wakens my own fears of losing her, it also draws me near to her in ways we don't normally (ok, tearing up now! ACK!) connect. There's a real blessed feeling in the moments I've spent at her bedside rubbing her feet, washing her face. And especially because I'm returning all the beautiful moments she's been at my own bedside offering the same comfort. It's, I dare say, a bit sacred.

So, I'm trying to focus on this wholeness of life at the moment. The being engaged bit is in there too. I've had some additional blessed moments with Traby talking about BWPs (Big Wedding Plans) and that has lightened some of my sadness indeed. It's tough to hold these two situations in my heart at the same time - I'm so lucky to have a wise friend like Traby to help me along the way. We spent some time together last night talking about wedding stuff and it was delightful. That's the perfect word. We made ourselves yummy hot tea and poured over wedding ideas. Another sacred moment. And it didn't even involve food! Yay us!