Unease

Almost my whole life food has played a 'reward' role (among other confusing roles) and when I'm trying to eat healthy and make better choices, well, the whole system is disrupted. Which makes me very uneasy. And I'm already uneasy about so many things. Food is celebration, reward, pleasure, punishment, comfort, etc etc etc. When eating healthy, it kind of inherently removes all those roles and allows (forces?) food to be what it is, fuel. Having grown up with an entirely all-too pleasure-filled relationship with food, it's important for me to take some of that mouth-watering pleasure out. At least, on a regular basis. This is where it gets foggy because obviously we're meant to enjoy food. And I don't want to not-enjoy food. However, Food has served such a subversive and wicked role in my life that there's an element of eating healthy that requires removing its power and that happens when I take away the luscious, drooling foods I 'used.'

But it leaves a bit of a hole, to be honest. And I often feel like I'm not quite myself or I can't quite be present. I'm always a little uneasy. But, I try to remember that this has to be true for anyone breaking a life-long habit. I used it to manage my life so when it's gone, here's my life and here's me in it....trying to manage it. Trying to let go. Trying not to allow that unease to manifest in other ways (I often choose sleep when I'm trying to lose weight since that's my other drug of choice.) But this time, it hasn't so far. I've been trying (per my goals last week) to not focus on the things of which I'm deprived. That sweet relief of waking up knowing I fed myself well is pretty damn fulfilling.