Unsettled

I had a fairly good weekend with food, but it's continually hard for me. I have many emotional responses to being 'deprived' and feeling empty and hungry so much. But, when I get present with it, as Traby reminds me, this isn't forever. It's just for now. But sugar provides such relief, even if it's only temporary, for me. And lately my stress-level has been over the top. Lots lots on my mind and I've been getting headaches more often than not these days - so I have an appointment with my super neurologist in 2 weeks to check that out. But tonight we went out to PF Chang's and instead of what I normally get (Mongolian Beef, which only after did we discover has like 1,000 calories and 20-some grams of fat) I got the vegetarian lettuce wraps - which are 280 calories and 7 grams of fat. I actually didn't like them all that well, but they were filling. Going out to eat is challenging when I'm not eating whatever I want to. This makes me more aware and present, but lately, for me, it's created some difficult bitterness. It becomes much harder to find a restaurant where we both want to go and where I know I can get something healthy for myself and my only options aren't salad A, B or C. Luckily, Maki likes a wide range of food and restaurants, so we can usually find something. But not before I've gotten into baby-mode where I'm full of self-pity and whining. So that makes the treat of going out a bit challenging.

I didn't get to the gym this weekend or yoga. BUT....Maki and I went for a nice walk (1 mile) last night - and it was cool and dusk and it just felt great to be outside - I don't think I'm outside enough anymore. Earlier that day I sat outside on our deck reading (Stephen King's The Shining!) and it felt nice to be out. Today's been rainy and cold so not entirely encouraging weather. I'm committing to going to the gym after work tomorrow before my evening meeting, same for Wednesday. It's felt good to feel my muscles. My butt is a bit sore from yesterday's walk, but it's the good sore. Those gluts. My next goal, if I can get to the gym 3-4 times this week, I'd like to begin some strength training. Weights and such. That's another scary part - all the boys hang out over there and I'm always afraid I'll use some machine wrong and drop 100 lbs on my head or someone else! Funny how those kinds of stories keep us from what's good for us. But hopefully I won't let them keep me away!