Back from the Dead

So, the stomach flu. Not the best diet-aid. But it kept me from most food (and sugar!) for about 5 days. It was rough - but thankfully, part of the stomach flu is not having any appetite so while I didn't always feel physically hungry, I felt emotionally hungry for sure! But I've lost (adding up the pre-sickness losses) a total of 7 lbs so far. That puts me a mere 3 away from my goal. Perhaps I'll even get past my goal before our vacation on July 20th.

It IS tricky however, returning from a stomach flu. I have such powerful hunger and cravings at the moment and it's tempting not to just go nuts to 'make up for lost time.' Isn't that a funny perspective? I have such a messed up view of how 'deserve' and 'food' connect. So I'm trying to take it easy, but my cravings are back in full-force!

Traby's Back (and so is a bit of sugar)

Yay, Traby's returnred to the blog. She's a very busy gal and I'm thrilled she's made some time to check in with the blog (and herself) in the writing way. She's enrolled in this amazing program that, to spare our readers a long description, kind of centers around self-discovery and opening up to the world, ie: love. It's been an amazing 4-year journey for her, and frankly, for everyone who knows her, because what she's learning and going through is so powerful that its ripple effects have reached far and wide. I owe a ton of my own growth and discovery to her openness and courage in this program. At any rate, this weekend, she graduates. Though, do we really every graduate from these kinds of journeys? She'll probably continue to be involved with the school of course, but her 'lessons' and awakenings will last far into the future. She's a solid rock of inspiration, compassion and strength and my heart fills with gratitude every time she crosses my mind.

Of course, our blog is about more than merely spending a paragraph singing the praises of eachother, but since our friendship is one of the tools we're utilizing to try and be awake to our evolving health, I thought it was important to note Traby's current project. Each weekend that she's at school, she comes back with a stronger inner light that really radiates. Each of us, faces challenges all the time; family, relationships, friendships, work. And Traby always seems to be grounded in the midst of whatever she's facing (ok, just a few more sentences! I swear it will all circle back to health!) And that kind of presence breathes deep around others (a little poetic language for this Saturday afternoon.) She brings a compassion to every level of experience, something that's hard to do, once you get deeper and deeper into what our real motivations are, and begin to uncover what could be unsavory dirty secrets. It's at those levels, I find being present with myself with compassion that hardest, and, that's where it's most important.

We've said this before here, but speaking for myself, my choices and approach to life hasn't centered around compassion and presence until recently. And to face some of the same challenges (eating for example) in this new way is hard work. However, as Traby noted in her recent post, something like grace sneaks in and gives us some breathing room. There's been a lot of grace in my life recently, or rather, maybe I've merely noticed it more. That whole awake/aware thing, pretty important. Being awake to grace is powerful. It resets my whole outlook. And allows compassion to flow a little easier.

My 12 days of sugar ended Thursday when I had a pop-tart. No biggie (here's where the compassion comes in!) But then, I got a stomach flu. Good grief! On the bright side, it's kicked my weight-loss into high gear. I've lost 9 lbs in 2 1/2 weeks. I haven't had a full meal (or for that matter, real food) since Thursday. The pasta I ate last night (and subsequently voided soon thereafter doesn't count!) So it's been tea, broth, diet coke, jello and a few saltines for me for 2 days. I'm starving. But, I have to say, sitting in hunger for 2 days allows me to do a little more work around how I connect anxiety and hunger. So I'm grateful for that, and I see a little grace even in that. I just hope I'm not dying!

Hmmm...

Didn't plan anything for breakfast today, and I can't get out of work to go get something. That's not a good start!

Still Here

Wow, KB. 12 days sugar-free is so amazing. I'm so proud of you for continuing to meet your goal! And so glad to hear that you're feeling positive results from your choice to eliminate sugar. You've inspired me to make tomorrow day one (because I already had sugar today and want to start with a new, clean day).

A lot has happened over my super long hiatus from blogging. Mostly I reverted back to my old habitual state of doing things without self-presence, and not just around eating, either. But some grace has come in, and once again I'm remembering that I want to be present to myself and my own life.

I was recently introduced to the concept of GRACE and SELF-EFFORT being the two wings on the bird that flies to God. I love that marriage of grace and self-effort. I know the beauty of grace in my life...for example, I'm someone who can go into feeling a lot of gratitude easily. What a great way into my heart! But the self-effort is so foreign to me...I tell myself I can't do anything before I even have a chance to try something effortful or disciplined. There's definitely still a little girl in me who wants to rebel against anything effortful, who thinks that effort is a punishment instead of knowing the ultimate reward of giving myself the health and balance that I want. I just need to start telling my little girl to hush up now. Hush now. Shhhhhh. Time for the adults to take over.

The 12 Days of Sugar-Free-Ness

So, it's the 12th day and it's going very well. The temptation isn't very strong, but the craving is still there. Though, when the craving comes up, what's helping is, of course, getting grounded and reminding myself, that sensation I'm craving is not only terribly fleeting, but the regret lasts quite a while and it's frankly, not worth it. What also helps, is reminding myself that this is temporary. Traby and I have talked about this before. I don't plan to live a completely sugar-free life (good lord, what's the fun in that?) However, for now, it's what I need to do to get my body back on track. And really, this relationship I have with sugar isn't something I want to foster or even continue. Sugar (at least, in the ways I'm referring to it, that is, in cake, cookie, cupcake, ice cream etc. form) isn't something I want to eat every day at every meal (there is a part of me that does, of course!) so it's important that I take sugar back to its intended role in my life, 'a treat.' Sugar is a treat, not a daily, food group that I eat at every meal. It feels strange not to be eating it though. When I'm sugarless, it always heightens my sense of sugar in other foods (grapes, apples, watermelon, bananas, peanut butter) and my sense of smell. Just walking through the bakery section of Whole Foods is divine. It's filled with the sugary aroma from heaven. And on my drive to work this morning, I thought, with all the other stresses and issues in my life, it's nice to have this one (the oppressive gray cloud of guilt) gone.

The Fifth

Today, the 5th sugar-free day. I feel really good. But in that afraid-I-feel-so-good-way. My migraines/daily-headaches are under control, haven't had one of those for almost 2 weeks, which, after having a headache 4 days of the week, is REALLY nice. I mean, I hadn't realized how much my head hurt all the time until they started going away. Nearly every day after work I'd get one, for a good part of the evening. It was awful. So that's divine! And I realized this morning, Maki and I have been going to bed around 11-11:30 and getting up at 7 (my normal work-day wakeup time) but that's only about 6 1/2 hours of sleep. Normally, I'd be dragging out of bed and dragging in the late PM work hours and then craving a nap upon getting home from work. So far this week, none of that has happened. Could I be I'm not overstuffing myself with food and/or carbs? Hmm. It's a nice feeling, I have to say. It really is.

Also, I realized that I like counting my sugar-free days. When I was in OA, that's very encouraged and it made an impact on me each day, like it somehow reminded me to renew my commitment to myself. Back then, I got to over 90 days sugar-free. That seems nearly impossible at the moment - but one meal at a time and if necessary, one hour at a time.

This is good.

Mealtime

So today is day 4 of sugar-free-ness. Still hard, but it does make me very awake. Maybe that's what I don't like? Maybe my tendency, and what I've defined as my 'natural state of being' is far more numb than being sugar-free allows. Eating well and making healthy choices in general requires one to be pretty awake. I know Traby emailed me some thoughts the other day (Traby, the blog misses you!) about the simplicity (and ultimately difficulty!) of bringing awareness and compassion to every bite we take. That's new to both of us, and imagine most people. I wonder if those eating habits were influenced by the way my family prepared and enjoyed meals? I'm sure it comes from a bit of everything.

These days, eating with my fiance is sometimes challenging. He's a fast eater. He LOVES food and gets lost in the visceral enjoyment of chewing, swallowing and digesting. It's sweet, but I have the tendency to eat just as fast, which, while it works for him, doesn't work for me. The fast pace takes me away from the sensation of getting full - integral to my portion control! So I have to consciously slow down when we share meals together. When I'm with Traby, we talk so much that we just naturally eat slow. Maybe I need to blather on more during dinner! HA!

Two Days Sugar-Free

This is, in my world known, as a BIG THING. It's huge for me not to eat sugar on a daily basis. And sugar-free living brings its familiar feelings (deprivation, sadness, bitterness, jealousy etc.) and those are hard to figure out for me. But that nasty cloud of 'when will I ever figure this out??' has lifted. I need to continually remind myself about that part. It's tough to have a goal you've had for YEARS (and I mean over 1/2 of my life!) and every day not choose it. It's hard to find compassion for that. But I know that's the only path. Luckily, this week, I see my sweet therapist and am finally going to make room to talk about sugar and food and eating. I have my day's meals planned but work days are hard - sitting here at my desk without something to munch on. I have my water, a banana and some trail mix in case I can't stand it. Better than the chocolate that's ever-present in our office.

We're Still Here - Well, Sorta

So, it's been very very tough lately for Traby and me. We've both lost a lot of our energy and willingness around this endeavor. However, it's still on our hearts. Various things throughout the days remind me - getting out of breath from walking up some stairs, buying summer clothes, thinking about buying a bathing suit, thinking about my wedding. And the biggest thing is how bad I feel about myself when I'm not taking care of myself. The overtly bad choices I continue to make may alleviate some stress very temporarily, but it creates such negativity overall and changes the whole tone of my days and nights. It's funny how some good choices in just one day can lift that negativity and allow me to see myself infinitely more compassionately and lovingly - it's because I was compassionate and loving toward myself with those choices. So this morning, I woke with a renewed sense of hope (even though I have a huge zit on my cheek that makes me want to crawl into a hole!)

And as shallow as this might sound, I'm afraid of the pictures of my wedding - if I know the 5 months leading up to it that I didn't take care of myself and try to make good choices, it's going to be very hard to look at those pictures with joy. But if i make an attempt, I can imagine those pictures are going to show a different kind of presence.

Today, I'm trying to be sugar-free. Small goal - big deal.

Neglected

Traby and I have both in difficult places the past few weeks, and that means, no blogging and making some pretty hard choices. I think that's different about this experience for both of us, is that we're not 'giving up on ourselves.' I'm so used to trying something, and when it doesn't work perfectly, taking my leave. But eating is something I've built so many stories and habits around, there's no way it's going to smooth-sailing. It's very very difficult stuff. In many ways, it's easier to make choices that 'give up' like fast food, dessert, etc. Easier, in one sense, but much harder in another. Traby and I have tried and tried to depress our reset buttons, but neither of us had much luck - EXCEPT when one day last week, we checked in with eachother every hour of the work day and made hour-long goals. Frankly, it worked really well, but neither of our work days lend themselves well to that kind of vigilance with each other. Though we can definitely devise ways to do it that will work for us. Perhaps setting a morning, afternoon and evening goal. no doubt that the act of speaking a goal or even writing one down, can change our energy around it and commitment to it. Which is why I'm sitting here blogging after a long absence. I know this act of being present can shift things for me. Tonight, while I had a fine dinner (1/2 a chicken salad sandwich) I topped it off with brownies and ice cream. It doesn't feel so good. It's definitely not contributing to my overall goals. I can't blame stress (things have been much more calm lately) so this is all me going back to habits that are hard to break. Again, compassion and stick-to-it-ness! Whether we're not making healthy choices, or not blogging or not exercising, it doesn't mean it's all for nothing. I'm so used to it meaning that, well not this time.

Here I Am

Well, I've certainly come to a new level of awareness around habit, lately. Especailly my habits around eating. For the past several weeks I've been eating all kinds of junk, sugar and imbalanced meals. I've also been eating just to eat when I'm not at all hungry, going for that super stuffed feeling. My energy has decreased hugely. My stomach gets upset more often. I've experienced changes in my body chemistry, like the taste in my mouth, etc. I'm cranky, uncentered, and sleepy. I set a goal to take good care of myself with exercise and food, and I ignore it daily, and that makes me miserable. I've gained back 5 pounds. What additional information do I need to be convinced that mindfulness is a sort of panacea to my own dis-ease? Why do I choose to revel in needless suffering when freedom is a shift away?

Sigh.

And there's definitely a bit of a viscious circle here. My stress level makes me feel tired, cranky, and imbalanced, and then I eat junk to comfort myself because of it. And then the way the junk food fuels my body makes me feel more tired, cranky, and imbalanced...get it? Ugh!

But like KB said, external stress factors are never going to go away. There's always going to be some reason to feel off my rocker. So mindfulness in all things is what I want to go for. Lightness, too. When I can be light with myself and the choices I have to make, everything shifts. If I'm faced with a choice between a cookie and an apple, I can take joy in the fact that I have a choice between a cookie and an apple, check in about what I want, and move with whatever is there. Or I can be angry that I have a choice between a cookie and an apple, and then move what whatever is there. The key is being mindful of where I am in any given moment, and these last few weeks I've been a full out zombie when it comes to eating and many other things, too.

But today I chose yogurt for breakfast, and a chicken/apple salad for lunch. I'm already feeling much better. I think I need to get a tattoo on the back of my hand that says something like, "I create my own experience with the choices I make." What freedom in that! Now if I can only remember...

Not Funny Ha-Ha

It's funny, I was considering what to write about today and I thought, well, I definitely need to mention my busy week and all the stuff going on, because that will explain some of my food choices (not the best!) however, I realized, that's life. That's life there, happening as it tends to do. So, every week I'd like to blame something (my mother's health, conflicting schedules with Maki, my own health) or someone (sorry Traby!) on how hard it was to plan and make choices that contribute to my overall goals. And yet, every week that darn life-stuff will be there. The trick is finding out how to keep managing food and eating in the midst of it all. It's easier when things are super slow and steady and I have plenty of free-time to plan and think and dream. And sometimes life's like that (not lately!) but mostly I'd say it's not. So I have to figure out better choices inside that kind of schedule which is mostly how it is for me (and I assume Traby.)

Some things I think that would help:

• Always having fresh fruit and veggies around. Those are easy snacks and easy ways to make a meal more balanced. Yesterday, I had steamed chicken for lunch. Not bad. But that was it. I wish I had had some green/red pepper to eat with that. I love that crunch at lunch (hey I rhymed!)
• Always having chicken around. Steamed chicken (how lame and I?) is one of my favorite things. It's easy, healthy and I actually really enjoy it all by itself. And steaming it in the microwave takes 5 minutes.
  
• Taking note of fast lunch/dinner options. Like Subway, Qdoba, Einstein's and Eat-n-Park's salad bar. All three of these I enjoy, they're all cheap and relatively fast. So I can't quite use the old excuses of money and time!
• Taking even a quick walk during my work day. There's nothing stopping me (though I think there is!) from taking a quick walk around the beautiful West End some work days. Especially on days where I can't or won't get to the gym. That's one part I've definitely slacked on. I'm making an attempt to go this weekend (don't I say that every weekend?)

I've hit a rough spot and feel a bit discouraged, but the more times I work through that and continue on (before I'd give up, easily!) the more I get that these are lifestyle changes. And establishing new habits takes work, even when the going gets tough, I have to keep trying and not get so defeated I just check out.

Reb Robin and Feist

So this weekend Maki and I went to Red Robin. The hamburger joint. I had been making some good decisions all weekend and just had a craving for a burger and fries. I didn't regret it and I even found that it was cool to get a 'real craving.' As opposed to just deciding (for whatever reason) to eat something junky. It was cool to get a craving and respond to it. And to have that food I was craving be very different than my daily choices. That's not my usual situation. Even if I have a craving for something (usual sugar) it's daily and I feed that craving daily. There's something empowering to making fairly consistent healthy choices and then having a craving for something a little unhealthy and deciding to eat it. I'm not being terribly articulate about this - it's crystal clear in my head of course! But it was nice to experience junk food as a treat and not as a regular food. There, I think I said it.

This morning too, I was listening to Feist on the way to work - she rocks, by the way. And her song: I Feel it All really resonated. I feel very exposed to the world and all that's going on - in a good way. There's a lot on my plate and in my heart these days and the last 2 weeks I've been drowning under it all. This morning, I felt a new spaciousness. Traby often reminds me that we all have all we need to manage and that we can manage and that 'there is enough.' I have big issues with 'enough' (food, time, energy, sleep, etc!) and I get very antsy when life feels crowded that I don't perhaps have whatever sugar I want when I want it or hours and hours of continuous free-time to waste away. Last night I had an evening meeting that lasted from 7-11 and I got very anxious driving home that I didn't have time to myself. Yet, the evening was tremendously enjoyable and fulfilling and energizing. It's funny that I don't focus on that part. I have trouble when I have too much going on on weeknights - but on the way home, Traby's words kept popping into my head: "there will be enough." That's big stuff. And 'enough' is at the heart of my issues with eating and it's important to see how my anxiety about 'enough' plays a role in so many other parts of my life. It's all connected, man. Feist and Red Robin.

Puppets and Scales

Workplaces ARE hard. For nearly a month, there have been these amazing thumb-print (I think I've referred to them as fist-prints in a past post) at my office. Huge cookies with 2 inches of icing (icing is my drug of choice!) and it's been very very tough to see them everyday. I bring in oatmeal for breakfast at work, when really, I'd prefer to sit down with a whole plate of those cookies. Be thankful those aren't your office cookies, Traby! But, I know after a conversation Traby and I had the other night, that probably for both of us, even a little sugar, ignites that craving and sends us both into a bit of a spiral struggle. That's a tough one, because I rationalize (and sometimes it's true) just a little sugar will calm that craving. Some weeks that works for me. A block of very dark chocolate will give me some satisfaction. Other decisions, like low-fat ice cream, will satisfy too, but that one (I'm learning) will send me for more.

But I've had some relief. It's about time for things to ease up just a bit. The hunger has eased ever so slightly. Friday - today haven't been too bad - although, part of me believes I'll just need to get used to being hungrier than I am normally. When you stuff yourself at nearly every meal, that becomes the feeling you equate with satisfaction. I think Traby has said this before, but I didn't often feel my tummy rumble with hunger. So when it does now (and it's often!) it's uncomfortable and causes me some serious anxiety. I'm more interested in stuffing that feeling than feeling it (such a comment about how I approach some things in my life for sure!) But I'm slowly adjusting to being hungry more often. And as Traby has said also, this is not forever. There's a great song in the musical Avenue Q (hence the whacko picture) called "Only for Now" and even on the back of my car, is the bumper sticker, "it's all temporary." Continually reminding myself of that has been helping lately. A lot. I think Traby repeating it has allowed me to hear it and take it in a bit differently.

I also bought a new scale this week - our scale (RIP) has been the source of great confusion for me. The past 2 weeks I've gotten numbers that range from 15 lbs lower than usual (I should have just taken that number!) to 5 lbs higher. Since the scale is definitely one of the measurements of progress, it's important to have an accurate one. I had Traby bring hers over last week and yah, ours was dying. We bought a fun new one at Ikea and it appears, it's more our floors than the scale. We have to keep the scale in one place to make sure it's accurately weighing us. So, since this is a new number, I'm kind of discouraged, but I keep on going. Here's where I would normally throw in the towel, but Traby's here next to me, chugging away with wisdom and grace so maybe I can too.

Crumby

Just like many workplaces, mine has a breakroom with a table in it. All week long people bring in snacks to share, and they go on the table. Usually I can just ignore the snacks, but I'm having trouble today. On Wednesday, someone brought in a fantastic crumb cake, and I had a small piece "just to be polite." (Of course I could have said "no thanks" and that would have been fine, but I justified it as such.) Yesterday someone brought in these lovely, light, sweet, delicious heart-shaped butterscotch cookies. They're very small, and I had one yesterday. Today I've already had two, and it's only 10:00 a.m. I hear them calling me! I wish I didn't have that one yesterday, because now I know what I'm missing. Drat! Also, I know this about me...once I start eating sweets, it's a slippery slope for me. Since I'm not a "just eat one or two cookies" kind of gal (yet), it's better for me to not have any at all at this point. I guess I just wanted to record this so that I can remember in the future that, for me, sugar begets sugar. For now, no sugar is what will work best for me to acheive my goal.

So, KB and I have spent a lot of time talking about developing new habits around eating, exercise and being hungry. We talk about being mindful and attentive to what we ultimately want for ourselves...to be physically healthy. But in this moment I'm really aware that maybe we could also look at our habits around how we relate to ourselves when we're not meeting our goals or expectations. We say we want to be compassionate and gentle with ourselves, and I think we've both made huge strides in this area, but it seems there are more possibilities for deepening our love for ourselves. This is what makes all of this totally, totally different than just being on a diet.

What if there are no good or bad eating days? What if there are just eating days? How do we acheive goals while holding this kind of fluidity? How can we go for something new and different while still honoring our human-ness? I don't really know, but I'm working it out slowly by trying different things.

I so know the part of me that goes to misery or despair because I'm feeling stressed or because I can't have what I want...sugar, fries, potato chips, or just that feeling of being completely stuffed with food. Who is choosing that despair? Who is making me miserable? Who is labeling being hungry as being unfulfilled or suffering? Who meets changes or challenges and chooses to call them "stressful?" Me! And then, when I'm miserable, I "get" to eat junk. What a convenient set up, huh?

When I really let it sink in that what is going on in my life cannot make me feel a certain way--that I choose at any given moment how to relate to anything I encounter--I realize that I only have control over one thing. My choices. What if it's all as simple as choosing not to label a moment as miserable because I'm hungry or because I'm in over my head at work?
But the thing is, it doesn't feel simple because of the years and years of habitual reactions that I have to things like feeling hungry, stress, etc. It doesn't feel simple at all. And, sure, there is definitely a part of me that wants to believe that it's impossible. But, there's also a part of me that knows I want more for myself. I don't want to be reduced to my habits...I'm more than that. And even though at first it almost feels like a lie, I have experienced changing habitual ways of reacting to things by just "acting as if" until I finally get that I want to be happy, open, curious, fluid, etc. Trying something new, no matter what it is, is the ticket out of old ways of being that keep me stagnant and small. Any movement is good movement.

And you know one thing that is just so super and uplifting? I have people in my life like KB and Darren who know I'm more than just my habits, misery, hunger, etc., too. In any given moment I'm way more than any one emotion or reaction that I'm experiencing, and they help me remember that. And I help them remember, too.

One thing KB and I talked about when we first committed to this "New Start" is that we wanted to hold ourselves and one another in that wholeness of being that acknowleges all of who we are, not just our successes and failures. That larger view of ourselves can help us remember what we really want for ourselves--to be big beyond our habits, and to know we are fully able to give ourselves healthly bodies, minds and spirits.

Try

I'm tending to think I have what I'm referring to as the eating-hiccups. I get these mini-urges and though I'm making better choices than I normally would have (1 small low-fat ice cream cone vs. 1 pint of Ben and Jerry's super high-fat ice cream!) But I'm also really struggling with an emotional world that I'm not entirely coping with well. There is so much going on in my life right now that I feel like I spend every day like this:

• hungry
• don't eat
• eat a little
• hungry
• don't eat
• eat a little
• hungry
• hungry
• don't eat
• eat a little
• hungry
• hungry
• sleep

I wish I was exaggerating, but that's how it's been feeling. It feels like I'm in a constant state of anxiety these days. Harumph.

Unsettled

I had a fairly good weekend with food, but it's continually hard for me. I have many emotional responses to being 'deprived' and feeling empty and hungry so much. But, when I get present with it, as Traby reminds me, this isn't forever. It's just for now. But sugar provides such relief, even if it's only temporary, for me. And lately my stress-level has been over the top. Lots lots on my mind and I've been getting headaches more often than not these days - so I have an appointment with my super neurologist in 2 weeks to check that out. But tonight we went out to PF Chang's and instead of what I normally get (Mongolian Beef, which only after did we discover has like 1,000 calories and 20-some grams of fat) I got the vegetarian lettuce wraps - which are 280 calories and 7 grams of fat. I actually didn't like them all that well, but they were filling. Going out to eat is challenging when I'm not eating whatever I want to. This makes me more aware and present, but lately, for me, it's created some difficult bitterness. It becomes much harder to find a restaurant where we both want to go and where I know I can get something healthy for myself and my only options aren't salad A, B or C. Luckily, Maki likes a wide range of food and restaurants, so we can usually find something. But not before I've gotten into baby-mode where I'm full of self-pity and whining. So that makes the treat of going out a bit challenging.

I didn't get to the gym this weekend or yoga. BUT....Maki and I went for a nice walk (1 mile) last night - and it was cool and dusk and it just felt great to be outside - I don't think I'm outside enough anymore. Earlier that day I sat outside on our deck reading (Stephen King's The Shining!) and it felt nice to be out. Today's been rainy and cold so not entirely encouraging weather. I'm committing to going to the gym after work tomorrow before my evening meeting, same for Wednesday. It's felt good to feel my muscles. My butt is a bit sore from yesterday's walk, but it's the good sore. Those gluts. My next goal, if I can get to the gym 3-4 times this week, I'd like to begin some strength training. Weights and such. That's another scary part - all the boys hang out over there and I'm always afraid I'll use some machine wrong and drop 100 lbs on my head or someone else! Funny how those kinds of stories keep us from what's good for us. But hopefully I won't let them keep me away!

Admittedly Bitter

I gained 1 lb this week.  And it's tough, because I AM working hard (guess not hard enough) and I even went to the gym twice.  It definitely makes me want to throw in the towel and say fuck it, frankly.  I know this is bitter, but that's definitely how I'm feeling right now and I guess it's important to record these moments as well as the wise, confident ones.

Remember my name....FAME!

I wanna live forever! I wanna learn how to fly...HIGH! Yep, cheesy 80's music can be applicable and slightly uplifting, too. Really, though, the song came to mind because I haven't blogged for so long that I wanted to make sure you remember me. : ) I remember you. And though I don't expect to live forever in this physical body, I sure do want to live forever in each moment, and that includes minding my body and taking good care of me.

O.K., enough dissection of Irene Cara. On to true business. As KB said, it's so wonderful to have the insight and support of Dr. Thomson. Nice to know that there are other people in the world living open-hearted and attentively. Sometimes I forget I can touch someone's life with the slightest of gestures. It's good to be reminded of that.

Now I think it's time for me to check in with what my goals were when we began a month ago...

1. Plan meals -- I've done pretty well with this on the weekdays, but the weekends remain a challenge. I know that making rules can sometimes block growth, but trying to be fluid with weekend mealtimes has proven difficult. I'm going to commit to planning for this weekend. Even when I go to restaurants, I can go in with a plan to eat something specific, (e.g. fish and a veggie or a chicken salad).

2. Keeping up with food shopping -- Since this is so tied into planning meals, I've done pretty well with this one, too. One thing that has helped me has been relaxing a bit around where I shop. I have this tendency to think that I should only shop at Whole Foods, but when I let myself sometimes go to Giant Eagle (where the organic selections are growing daily), I'm much better off. Whole Foods is about 30 minutes from my house when there's no traffic, and Giant Eagle is a three minute drive for me...a big difference!

3. Taking some time every day to stop and check in with myself -- I'd like to be more deliberate about this, but I have noticed that my "observer-self" has been very present since I began eating healthier. What I mean is, I'm more awake to what I'm doing and why I'm doing it much of the time. Less and less am I just going through the motions. One way to kick this up a notch would be to implement a consistent meditation practice...something I've been longing for.

4. Everyday, move in some way -- That really does sound like a catch phrase, huh? Maybe I should get it trademarked! Speaking of fluidity, I like that this goal creates room for me to acknowledge any physical activity (a short walk, dancing, stretching) as progress. That said, I haven't been acheiving this goal. I've walked Rocky several times, but I really do want to do at least something everyday. This is not only important in the exercise sense, but I know from experience that it will help me get into my body and feel my sensations. I not only want to be awake to feelings of full or hungry, but to all of my sensations!

5. Abstain from sugar and white flour -- Not eating refined sugar has gone really well. I still eat yogurt every morning for breakfast, and that has some sugar, and I still use Splenda from time to time, but that's it. As I've said before, it just makes all of this a lot easier for me. The white flour...well I've certainly had some white bread here and there, but not too much. My carb cravings are still pretty non-existant (miracle!), so the little bit of white bread I've had this month seems not to have triggered anything.

6. Share what I'm doing with others -- Yep, I'm doing that!

7. Reflect often about the costs and benefits -- Doing this, too, though not in any formal way. I guess what I write on here counts toward that goal!

8. Getting hungry with my stomach growling -- Yep, especially before lunch, in the late afternoon, and at night. It actually feels good.

9. Little one (maybe baby traby!) -- There's always hope, and eating healthy and losing weight could definitely help.

Shwew! And there's more. I want to say that I did eat 10 McDonald's chicken nuggets and fries for dinner last Friday. It didn't even taste that good and was a result of lack of planning. Also, I want to acknowledge that I haven't had any potato chips or Chai Lattes for a month! Huge!! I just keep telling myself that I can have them again someday. Why not, for now, just wait a bit.

The Expanding Universe

When Traby and I embarked on this blogging adventure with each other, we weren't quite sure how or even if our efforts would expand into the world - the blogosphere is a very large universe, and we're just two women trying to figure out how to feed ourselves. But just this morning, I noticed 2 comments on 2 posts from Roger Thomson over at Live Mindfully, what appears to be a great blog and resource for the practice of mindfulness, something both Traby and I are deeply committed to. Ever since I discovered Jack Kornfield, a buddhist monk and teacher at Spirit Rock and listened to Your Buddha Nature, attempting to live more mindfully has been my root project. And I know Traby is involved with activities and workshops that are also rooted in mindfulness. It's been important to try and remember to bring that perspective to our eating - not easy, but important.

Roger's comment on my post about eating a cookie was a helpful reminder of the compassion and mindfulness necessary in this kind of endeavor. Those are 2 things that have been consistently absent in my past (in eating and non-eating issues) and I need to be reminded to keep them close to my heart. Once the energy of a 'new project' has worn off, it's tough to keep it going and my tendency is to begin to feel defeated and allow that to skew my perspective and convince me this really isn't all that important anyway. Especially in light of the other things going on in my life at the moment. And it will get smaller and smaller until it just goes away again.

But it's this kind of experience, where one life touches another life, 2 strangers in the world, through technology like blogging, that I believe, will make this endeavor different for Traby and me. It already has made a difference. I already feel more mindful of my plans and goals today and the kindness toward myself has increased. And, in searching for 'mindful eating' on Google, I found this great blog: A Weight Lifted. Expansion.

Roger is involved with an organization called Integrative Health Partners in Chicago (hmm..not too far from where Traby and I vacation every summer!) and even the little I've read so far, this is good stuff! I dare say it rocks and may be another great tool to add to our tool belt! Thanks, Roger!

Ate a cookie. Went to the Gym.

This is what my evening consisted of. That, and doing my first podcast with Jonny Hartwell from 100.7. I swear I'm going to be famous one day. (cough cough)

So, yah, I succombed to one of those awful Macy's thumbprints (ie: fist-prints) and it was very tasty, but I'm sure was a million calories. I hope my limited food the rest of the day and 25 minutes on the elliptical helped nullify its effects. It didn't feel as good as I had hoped. Meaning, it didn't change the rough range of emotions I've been feeling this week. I think sometimes I have to test that. I guess inside the craving for sugar, I really truly believe it will relieve some of that tension - and it does for like 5 minutes, but then it doesn't. Now, the gym, that shit relieves me. It really does. There's something in it about taking care of myself, obviously you have the whole physical rush and just working out some of that tension by moving the body so that's real relief.

Triumphant

So, I got to the gym. This is a big deal. When I left work at 4:01, though I managed to get into my workout clothes, I had a headache and cramps and was feeling weepy. So, as predicted, I did walk into the gym, weepy, yawning, slightly defeated. But I got there and did 30 minutes on the eliptical. I tell you though, it felt like 2 hours. I hate those workouts where the minutes tick by so slowly and my whole internal conversation for half-an-hour is 'ok, 1 more minute and then you can stop. Ok, one more minute' and so on. But, I did it. I didn't regret it. I never do. Not once have I ever gone to the gym, walked out and thought, 'damn, what a waste of time, wish I had stayed home and watched American Idol.' And though that's true, I can't seem to remember that sometimes. But, I did it. I'm hoping to go again tomorrow and perhaps get back to some strength training though this gym, that part is usually filled with muscle-y boys. Slightly intimidating. Am I not beyond that? Well, some days I am. Let's hope tomorrow's one of them.

Tonight's dinner was vegetarian-stuffed green peppers. Maki just finished (and I'm still reading) Michael Pollen's new book: In Defense of Food where, Pollen sums up the book in 3 short sentences: 'Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly Plants. ' Doesn't get much more clear than that. He makes quite a case for eating 'real food' and not 'food products' and I have to admit, it's a compelling argument. He says we've become a little too focused on 'nutrients' and not on food itself. At any rate, it's affected some of our food choices and we've decided to modify our eating by trying to eat totally vegetarian every other week. This is our first week. Tomorrow we're planning cheese sandwiches and soup (I have minestrone and he has onion soup from Whole Foods.) We also have an arugula pizza with goat cheese planned for later this week. Of course, Maki adjusts his diet in 2 small ways and loses 4 lbs in a week. Boys. (rolls eyes) But, it's nice to have him on board and thinking about what we put in our mouths. We both read through several of my vegetarian cookbooks tonight and flagged some possible dishes to cook. It was fun. Usually that's stuff I do alone - so it made me pretty thankful to have that sweet man in my life to share these kinds of things with.

Week 3 Totals

Like KB, I, too, struggled this week (more on that later). I still managed to lose a pound, though. So, that brings our grand total to 11 pounds, which is nothing to sneeze at! It was oddly challenging to find things that weigh 11 pounds in and of themselves, but since 11 lbs = 5 kgs, many things are sold in that amount. Also, many dryers have an 11 lb capacity. That's a lot!

Grape Ape

So, I'm eating some grapes. A mid-afternoon snack after a lunch of a leftover turkey meatloaf sandwich. I admit to losing some of my 'oomph' for this endeavor over the weekend, and though, I could make sort of valid excuses (my mother's health being the big one) it still doesn't quite address the core of my sinking a bit. It's definitely disheartening to gain weight while trying to lose it, but as a sweet man who lives in my house has said, 'you must look at the overall numbers for a month.' And while that's true, it's hard, at the end of a difficult week, to see a number on the scale that's higher (even .5!) than it was last week. I can set myself up and change my thinking pretty easily to come close to defeat. However, today, I'm determined, even if I have to walk in there weeping, yawning and defeated, to go to the gym after work. And even if I walk slowly and don't push myself as hard as I could, I need to GET THERE. Putting my shoes on and walking in the doors VERY often leads to me wanting to be there, feeling good, and working hard. It rarely fails if I can just get myself there. Once there, those endorphins get going and they start doing their thing. And if they don't help with all this other stuff (my mother's health) I don't know what will. So, today at 4:15, I better be walking up the steps to the gym or else.

I gained

.5 lbs this week. I guess not too bad. Hmph.

Time to Check In

This has been an unusually emotionally stressful week with my mother in the hospital. And that, as a wise woman once said, means 'when we stress, we regress.' Well, not quite regression, but definitely not taking enough time to make sure I have what I need to eat well and am checking in with myself. However, let me balance this with giving myself enormous credit for no binge eating! Yay me! I even had Chinese food for lunch one day and got chicken and broccoli with the sauce on the side and I used very little of it. I did have a rather large cookie as well on Tuesday that tasted ever-so good, I admit it. And sadly, there are about 40 of them in our work freezer right now. (damn Macy's!)

I ran out of milk at home a few days ago and I didn't plan my lunches all that well, like Traby said about eating during those unstructured days, it's hard stuff. But it's felt good not to 'lose it' in the midst of this hard time. I tell you, I really felt the pull though. Several times on my way home from the hospital late at night, I passed the Wendy's gritting my teeth not to turn the steering wheel. It's my comfort/drug of choice, and right now, when my heart is hurting, that desire for 'just letting go' (in my definition of the phrase) is very powerful. Instead, I'm taking magnificent comfort in Traby, in the super sweet fiance, Maki and really being able to provide my mother with some comfort inside her own pain and fear. That's been pretty big to be involved in. And while it wakens my own fears of losing her, it also draws me near to her in ways we don't normally (ok, tearing up now! ACK!) connect. There's a real blessed feeling in the moments I've spent at her bedside rubbing her feet, washing her face. And especially because I'm returning all the beautiful moments she's been at my own bedside offering the same comfort. It's, I dare say, a bit sacred.

So, I'm trying to focus on this wholeness of life at the moment. The being engaged bit is in there too. I've had some additional blessed moments with Traby talking about BWPs (Big Wedding Plans) and that has lightened some of my sadness indeed. It's tough to hold these two situations in my heart at the same time - I'm so lucky to have a wise friend like Traby to help me along the way. We spent some time together last night talking about wedding stuff and it was delightful. That's the perfect word. We made ourselves yummy hot tea and poured over wedding ideas. Another sacred moment. And it didn't even involve food! Yay us!

Honesty

So, I just had a 3 Muskateers candy bar and it tasted superb. I know, I'm trying for SFDs, but it's been a rough coupla days. I'm in the midst of thinking about big wedding plans and now, kind of accidentally, suddenly considering the idea of buying a house (don't worry, Maki, I know it's still in the thinking stage!) but my mother's in the hospital and my POW is unusually stressful as well. And, I'm PMSing (I know Traby is too!) So I've had some strong sugar cravings. Even after a difficult weekend of eating out with friends and making pretty good choices, I still had them. So I decided to have a little something. A little something. My usual sugar-cravings aren't little, so this, ironically, is big for me. I had one candy bar. And as far as candy bars go, not a terribly bad one. It was great how good it tasted too! They're definitely not one of my favorite candy bars, definitely not something I'd choose for a binge. So, this was actually good. I don't believe my whole life is going to be SF but for now, SF is how it needs to be most, if not all of the time. Sugar begets sugar, as Traby says and I know it's true. So, though I don't regret my delicious candy bar tonight, I know it's not going to be easy tomorrow to have that sugar messin' around inside me. But, I really believe in intention. And in honesty. The minute I 'hide' this sugar, is the minute it gains power and I become helpless and full of shame. I don't feel bad for eating it, that's part of the root of where my eating habits went wrong in the first place. It's ok. And it tasted good.

Week 2 Totalinos

The combined total for week two is.....3.5. Yes! That brings us to a grand total of 10.5! The equivalent of a 22 x 14 x 9 suitcase that costs $312 dollars, a newborn goat, 2 five pound bags of sugar (plus a little more), a full grown Walleye, or an EmerUSA hardwood floor vacuum. Wow! Go us!

(Look how huge that Walleye is! 10.5 pounds!)

Which Week Are We On?

Here I thought it was the end of week two! Hmm...Last week, I lost 3.5 lbs and this week, I lost 2. Hurrah! And tonight, the new fiance and I are going to Traby's for an impromptu engagement dinner. Another Hurrah! Traby's house is one of my favorite places. It's beautiful, welcoming and full of warm energy! We're grilling steaks, baking potatoes, making salad and we even have a great dessert- the boys get angel food cake, whipped cream and strawberries and we'll have just the strawberries. That might sound like a bit of deprivation, but to me, it sounds like two really cool women taking care of themselves. Who doesn't love strawberries? So, I'm pretty excited to share a great, healthy meal with my fiance (ohmygosh!) my best friend and her husband. We're a good crowd together. And it's nourishing on a number of levels.



I was thinking...as I sit at my computer and type this, I have my little 'goal list' taped to my computer and I think it'd be great to check in with myself to see how I'm doing with things.
Here is my list from this post:

1. attend yoga once a week: I haven't yet gone. But I'm planning on going tomorrow AM.
   
2. go to gym 3 times a week: now this I haven't done yet either. I'd like to go Sunday morning after coffee (hot tea for me!) with my dad. Not sure what's holding me back there.
   
3. be mindful of what I'm putting in my mouth: I feel a bit more mindful of the kinds of foods I'm eating for sure, but I could use a bit more of the wisdom of this post, about being really present with our eating and food.
   
4. blog often about feelings and struggles and successes: I'm thinking I'm top of this one!
   
5. be SF! (sugar-free!): I have had some sugar (lite ice cream at Gettysburg) and some trail mix with chocolate, but I haven't eaten dessert, cookies, cake, etc since we started this. That's a huge deal!
   
6. weigh myself once a week: I've been doing that, I sneaked a peak a few times, but it feels better to just keep it to once a week, because that number can set the tone for my day and I'd rather set the tone myself!
   
7. drink more water: I did that the first week, but have slacked since. I'm going RIGHT now to fill up my water bottle and drink it this morning before lunch!
   
8. planning my lunches really well: I've been doing ok with that. Even on days when I don't have something, I've made good eating-out choices. Even if it's out of my way or slightly more expensive. This takes precedence for now!
   
9. no more hiding food: A+ here!
   
10. don't focus on what I'm deprived of: This has been going better than it has for me in the past. I think it's got a lot to do with reading Traby's very encouraging posts that really remind me of the beauty in this. It's become much more spiritual and holistic than I've allowed it to become before. Thanks Traby!
    
11. remember traby's in this with me: This is huge. Though there are plenty of things that are different than other times I've become more aware of getting healthy, I think this is the biggest difference, the one that has had the most dramatic influence in my approach and feelings around this whole process. Knowing that Traby is on this journey and seeing her compassion with herself and her own awakening, it truly motivates me. Sometimes (and this will change!) I don't think I'm worth all this effort, but knowing that I committed to Traby on this, and that we're helping the chances of a Baby Traby someday, is pretty powerful. Enough to keep me going on those days when I'm really out of it.
    
12. buy new yoga clothes (cause I'm bustin out of these ones!) I actually decided I didn't need to do this. I DO have other clothes to wear, and maybe, in perhaps not too long from now, mine will fit more comfortably!
    

Bowling Ball

At the close of week one, KB and I collectively lost 7 pounds! That's the equivalent of a bowling ball, 1 1/2 five pound bags of sugar, a specially engineered road bike, or a newborn baby! Go us!!

When You Eat, Just Eat

Wait, wait, what?!?! The concept of eating without simultaneously directing my attention to something else is SO foreign to me. When I'm at work, I eat while surfing the internet or doing work. When I'm home, I mostly eat while watching TV. If not that, then Darren and I are talking, and I'm certainly not focussing on my food. When I'm out, I'm with someone. The thought of eating alone at a restaurant without a magazine or book to bury my face into is terrifying. (To me, this is how it goes without the book, "Oh, look at that poor fat girl eating all alone. Pity!" OUCH! With the book, at least they can think I'm well read, and I don't have to make eye contact with anyone.)

Good news, though...Darren and I have taken to eating most dinners in the dining room now, as opposed to the family room in front of the TV. When we eat in the family room, we sit on the couch and lean way over to our plates on the coffee table like neanderthals. We've been doing this for 5 years and just figured out how uncomfortable it is! So now we eat sitting up like real grown-ups at the dining room table with music in the background. Ahhhh! Much better. The food tastes better, and we talk more. I have to say that this shift has made me more mindful of my food, but not as aware as I'd like to be.

The other night Darren was out shooting hoops, and, due to a complicated innocent miscomunication (I'll spare you the details), I found myself sitting at the dining room table eating alone with no music, no TV, no book...not even a dog to talk to! I didn't have time to move due to an upcoming appointment, so there I was. It felt awful! I didn't know what to do with myself. I honestly felt physically uncomfortable and restless, all because my mind had nothing to occupy it but the room I was in and the food I was eating. Decidedly not enough stimuli! I found myself eating really fast to get it over with. I thought of the meditation below, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So, there you have it. I am so in the habit of not being present in my eating that I couldn't even consider entering into an opportunity to really be with eating my food. All of this makes me more aware of how habitually asleep I've become to experiencing the sensations of eating. Like KB said, food is fuel, but it's only by listening to my body that I'll know just how much and which kinds of fuel to give it.

An Eating Meditation

From Buddha's Little Instruction Book by Jack Kornfield:

"When you eat, just eat." --Buddha

"Eating meditation is a way to learn to eat with a respectful attention to your food and your body. It is easiest to begin in silence, although with practice you can learn to eat mindfully in any circumstance.

To start eating meditation, place your food in front of you and sit quietly. Reflect on the source of the food and recite any simple prayer of gratitude or blessing that comes naturally. Then be still for a few moments. Look carefully at the food. Be aware of your body and especially of your own feelings of hunger. Notice how you feel about putting this particular food into your body at this moment.

When you feel fully present and connected with yourself, begin to eat slowly. In a relaxed way be aware of each aspect of eating. Be aware of lifting the food to your mouth, of chewing, tasting, of swallowing. Notice if you feel hurried. Take your time, taste each bite carefully. Be aware of the flavors, the textures, the feelings that arise with each mouthful. Pause for a moment before the next bite. Continue your meal with this same mindful attention to everything you eat, until you come to the end.

Notice when you start to feel full. Your stomach may tell you it is full first, even when your tongue or eyes want more. Your thougths may tell you to finish everything on your plate, or that you are eating too much. If you can, don't follow these habits but listen to your whole body. Let yourself be guided by this attention. Practice this eating meditation when you can during the week. Even one meal eaten this way is a wonderful reminder of a mindful life."

Oh! So that's how we're supposed to do it!

Unease

Almost my whole life food has played a 'reward' role (among other confusing roles) and when I'm trying to eat healthy and make better choices, well, the whole system is disrupted. Which makes me very uneasy. And I'm already uneasy about so many things. Food is celebration, reward, pleasure, punishment, comfort, etc etc etc. When eating healthy, it kind of inherently removes all those roles and allows (forces?) food to be what it is, fuel. Having grown up with an entirely all-too pleasure-filled relationship with food, it's important for me to take some of that mouth-watering pleasure out. At least, on a regular basis. This is where it gets foggy because obviously we're meant to enjoy food. And I don't want to not-enjoy food. However, Food has served such a subversive and wicked role in my life that there's an element of eating healthy that requires removing its power and that happens when I take away the luscious, drooling foods I 'used.'

But it leaves a bit of a hole, to be honest. And I often feel like I'm not quite myself or I can't quite be present. I'm always a little uneasy. But, I try to remember that this has to be true for anyone breaking a life-long habit. I used it to manage my life so when it's gone, here's my life and here's me in it....trying to manage it. Trying to let go. Trying not to allow that unease to manifest in other ways (I often choose sleep when I'm trying to lose weight since that's my other drug of choice.) But this time, it hasn't so far. I've been trying (per my goals last week) to not focus on the things of which I'm deprived. That sweet relief of waking up knowing I fed myself well is pretty damn fulfilling.

Monday Monday

I think it's pretty interesting how aware and compassionate with ourselves we've both gotten in only a week. There's an intention we've brought to our eating, and it has expanded in some pretty amazing ways. I know we've both made note of perhaps not making the best choices, but even the choices we did make, were so much better than the choices I've consistently made in the past. While in Gettysburg, it was tough to eat well with our wonky schedule and not-so-good eateries. But, I didn't eat anything fried. That's HUGE for me. My ideal meal is fried, fried, meat and dessert. So, it's big to complete 9+ meals without one fried dish. So we've got to sit in the blessing of that for a bit I think!

Also, I get the challenge with non-structured days. What works for me is making sure I have fast, healthy good things around that include some kind of fast protein. I feel fortunate to really love steamed chicken. Just plain, steamed chicken. So if I have that around (I steam a bunch and then refrigerate it) I can get full and not resort to panic-eating. Something I'm ever-so familiar with.

This past weekend, I got engaged. God, it sounds foreign even to type that! (who am I?!) but again, to reiterate what Traby said, something that great, means I can eat sugar! I did have some nonfat frozen yogurt, which I'm OK with. And I'm glad it was on hand - who knows what I would have reached for had it not been! But it was nice to pay more attention to the other ways I could celebrate that event. And some of them are damn fun! (hubba hubba!) I also keep reminding myself how good I feel 'overall'...like not feeling stuffed. That really feels good. I've been able to turn my body off to the pain I feel when I eat too much. It really kinda hurts! But I'm more into the feeling of food in my mouth, so I can just keep going. Now, I'm trying to pay attention to my stomach, and not so much the food in my mouth. It's like I have to deliberately tone down the pleasure I feel in eating. Sounds masochistic but it's not. It's a good thing.

Non-Structured Days Are Tricky

This weekend was my first experience in a long time with trying to eat healthy on a non-structured day. Weekdays are pretty easy. I'm at work, so during the day I know what I'm going to eat and when I'm going to eat it. I try to plan dinner ahead, too. When I'm at school, which happens many weekends, my days and meals are also very structured. This past weekend was tough because I was home and didn't have a good plan.

Saturday started off with a healthy, hearty breakfast at the cafe KB mentioned...very delicious and filling. After being home for a while I got hungry for lunch but had no plan for it. I thought that Darren and I might go out for lunch or dinner, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, and so that just threw me off completely. I ended up eating yogurt and an apple, thinking that since I had a hearty breakfast I could have a lighter lunch, but that didn't fuel me like I needed. I should have been sure to eat some protein. Instead I ended up in an energy slump and, out of desperation, had some potato chips.

In the past, if I deviated from my eating plan, even once, that meant the whole day was ruined and so I could eat whatever I want for the rest of the day. Ha! What a set-up! Saturday, though, I shifted back to my plan and had a very well-balanced, delicious, sensibly portioned dinner. Ahhhh.

Sunday was tricky because I was running late in the morning and didn't have breakfast. Then I attended a shower in the afternoon, and by the time the food was served I was very hungry and my blood sugar was low. My plate wasn't too bad, but I didn't make the choices that I might have made if I had been more grounded and better fed up to that point. I did, though, avoid having any of the cookies or cupcakes that everyone was raving about. It was tough, but I felt really good about making that decision. It's so easy to justify eating junk in that sort of a festive social setting, because it's true that having something that is sugary and delicious is a great way to celebrate. I just keep reminding myself that once I reach my target weight I'll be able to enjoy chips and cupcakes in moderation. It's just that I've spent the past 15 years making every day a celebration. : ) It's time to take a break from that and invite balance to my body and my life.

So, next weekend will be filled with more non-structured days with a fundraising tea right in the middle. My goal is to plan what I'll eat for my meals Saturday and Sunday, and to plan for the tea. I'm sure there will all kinds of cakes and cookies there. I'll have to figure out what I want to do about all of that. In the meantime I'll focus on getting some movement in this week. Walking Rocky sounds good!

Weekend Window

It's Saturday morning and Traby is on her way over for our occasional Saturday morning breakfasts. It's such a good time to get together, the energy level has been renewed from a good Friday night's sleep (well, most weeks that's true!) and the busy-ness of the weekend hasn't yet begun. It's a delightful window to hang out with my super-gal!

This is a place we've breakfasted before (Coca Cafe in Lawrenceville) and it's got the most bed-and-breakfasty breakfasts ever! We weren't sure if we should return (danger!) but we both decided we could make healthy (non-sugar) decisions together. The place is so fun and funky and filled with good energy. Nothing like the old Eat-n-Park/Denny's atmospheres which never inspire much of anything!

I think we've both had a really good first week! More later...

Business

The Business of Eating.

This is what has been striking me the last few days. It's work, really. I don't imagine it will always be work, but for now it feels like work. I know that changing any habits feels like work, I can imagine trying to quit smoking and feeling consumed, night and day, by the desire. And right now, when I'm not otherwise occupied, I feel pretty consumed. But, what's notable, and worth reminding myself of, is that I also feel the disappearance of that very dark cloud I usually live under. That one that gets fueled by binging and overeating despite my higher self's goals and wishes. It's pretty tough to, every day (and every meal practically!) crush that desire to be healthy over and over again. I sometimes chuckle to think how it is somewhat comparable to wanting to get a college degree, and every day, filling out the application and then tearing it up. Every single day. That's bound to make one pretty depressed and feel disallusioned and ever so slightly confused about why one isn't getting accepted into college and why one hasn't moved any closer to that college degree.

So, back to the business of eating. The business of feeding myself. I totally resonate with Traby's words about the after-work-block of time. It's a very delicate space. Hunger, tiredness and the strong desire to just check-out for a bit spells disaster for me and my eating. But the reminder that there are more ways to get rejuvinated and refreshed than binging is key. And that hunger is real, so I have to figure out how to deal with that. And the past few days, it's been by eating a small container of low-fat yogurt. If I allow it, it will curb that hunger. And then allow me to make some choices about how I want to spend my alone time from 4-6 PM. And of course, make better decisions on what's for dinner.

Tonight, we're having skirt steak with potatoes and roasted tomatoes. A pretty well-balanced meal. And I had a great salad for lunch with a hard-boiled egg and some cashews. Dinner is cooking as I'm typing and I feel pretty grounded and more present in my body. I'm writing, cooking, and as Traby reiterated, breathing.

Breath

I was just re-reading KB's post from Gettysburg, and I'm appreicating her mentioning the importance of breathing. It's a good reminder for me. When I really take a moment to notice my breath and bring consciousness to it, everything snaps back into perspective, no matter what state of mind I'm in. (Sometimes this takes a while, but still, it's a great tool.) I'm in my fourth year at a healing school http://www.fullspectrumhealing.org/, and my teacher often reminds us that when we inhale, we're actually nourishing ourselves...our whole bodies! We're consuming the air! And when we exhale, we're literally releasing what we don't need. I believe that this nourishing/releasing is happening on more than just a biological level. After all, we're more than just our bodies. Just by the simple act of "aware breathing," I can nourish my spirit, too. And I can feel full from breathing...the kind of "emotionally full" that I look to food to fill. So, thanks, KB, for that beautiful reminder...ahhhhhhh.

Hanging In There

Well, so far, so good. I've been SF since last Friday, and I've managed to avoid junk (chips, etc.) I've also done something active every day but Saturday, so something has certainly shifted in me! I haven't been totally white flour free, but am trying to be conscious of that, as well.

Some things I've noticed are:

* I have a LOT more energy

* It's hard for me to separate what I eat from what others eat. For example, going through the Wendy's drive-thru, it took everything in me to order a grilled chicken sandwich because Darren, my husband, was having a burger. Not that I won't have a burger from time to time, but it was just really good to notice where my desire for a burger was coming from in me...it was more about my definition of "fairness" (if he gets one, it gives me "permission" to get one) and about impulse (immediate gratification) than from thinking, "Hmmm, a burger is what I want to eat right now." Turns out I really did want chicken! I'm not used to listening to that voice.

* Somehow making healthy choices seems easier on sunny days.

* The time between leaving work and eating dinner is by far the toughest part of the day for me. Not only because I'm hungry and want to eat without cooking first, but also I seem to have a hard time shifting from work to home-life. Darren and I commute together, so by the time I leave my office and pick him up, I'm in traffic for an hour. I start the drive all bright-eyed, and by the time we pull into the driveway, I'm deflated. The last thing I want to do is cook. But, I did last night, and it was really good (grilled chicken, spinach and garlic mashed potatoes). This is why planning meals in advance is so, so important. I need to help myself as much as possible so that the critical hour and a half is doable.

* All of this is certainly tied into numbers for me...how much weight I lose. I want to lose 24 pounds by our vacation. When I started eating healthy last August, I weighed 247. I got down to 212, but then the holidays hit, and I got off track. When I weighed myself on Friday, I was at 224 (and glad to learn I didn't gain it all back!) To be at 200 for vacay would be really super. This is tricky, because of course I want to lose weight! After all, that's part of getting healthy. But when that number doesn't move quickly enough, it can be discouraging. KB has set a goal to weigh herself every week. I'm going to try that, too, because I'm very tempted to weigh myself every day, and that's set up for feeling discouraged.

KB was supportive even though she was travelling! I got a sweet card from her in the mail, and in it were three little cards that listed my goals from our previous planning post. I can put them in places and use them as reminders of what I want to do for myself...super!

I've walked Rocky twice since Friday. I'm going to take him for another one tonight.

Eating Well in Gettysburg

So Maki and I are in Gettysburg this weekend - our mutual interest in the Civil War has led us to watching, reading, and now visiting anything Civil War. Several years ago I teased Traby endlessly for going to Gettysburg with her very cool hubby, Darren. Going so far as calling it 'Nerdburg' and writing 'you're 65' in their guidebook. I eat my words. It's a pretty cool place, ripe with history and stories. I admit without shame my excitement. Of course, going on any kind of trip in the midst of a 'get healthy plan' is tricky. I did stop and pick up some healthy snacks before leaving (water, lowfat wheat thins, curve granola bars, 2 pink lady apples, carmel rice cake-thingies and some pretzels) as I get terribly anxious and make bad decisions when I'm hungry. So I figured its' safer to have some food around so that I don't arrive at any meal totally starving. It's worked really well. And as everyone knows, eating on the road (specifically the PA turnpike) especially difficult for the health-conscious. The only (yes, the only!) rest stop open on our leg of the trip was a Sbarro's. Eww. But I got 2 meatballs and part of a soft pretzel. Not the best meal, but better than what I would have gotten if I was inside my usual eating habits. Greasy pizza anyone? And of course, we're staying at a B&B and I was wise enough to call ahead of time and let the owner know I was going SF for our stay. She was more than happy to accomodate. They always are, as has been my experience. And dinner, though it sounds lame, was at Perkins (we don't have one near us and they far exceed any comparable restaurants - ie: Eat-n-Park or Denny's!) so we were both pretty excited. I managed to resist ordering some kind of greasy sandwich and fries and got a side salad, baked potato and salmon. Very good actually. Later on, as we were watching Gettysburg on DVD (we brought it with us - this 4-hour movie - we only got through 2 hours of course!) I had some wheat thins. Actually looked at the serving size and everything! (16 chips)

It's been hard being hungry and eating well on this trip. I always have this notion that 'trips' should be fun and fun = eating whatever and whenever I want. (this has always been a challenge for Traby and I on our yearly vacations together - I'm sure we'll be blogging about that when the time comes [July 20th.]) But it's been hard for me to feel like I'm having 'fun' when I feel so restricted. that's really a big challenge. Especially since M. can eat anything he pleases (which means some huge breakfast combination at Perkins!)

My SF breakfast looked really good - it's definitely not lowfat however, so when the plate arrived (and they're so generous with the portions at B&Bs, God love 'em!) that I immediately decided to eat 1/2 of everything (some grits, blueberry muffin, egg casarole, sausagey-thing) and I did indeed feel full even with 1/2 of everything still on the plate. It was hard. Very hard. That stuff tasted GOOD! And then, what happens for me, is that the day's plans revolve around 'When do we get to eat next?' And it's stressful when we're not exactly sure. But this process is about 2 things (well, more than that, but this part is about 2 things)

1. opening up, letting go
2. being hungry and understanding that that's ok

So, we decided on the personal tour guide (highly recommend that!) who takes you on a 2-hour personal story-filled tour of the battlefields for $55 in your own car. Totally worth it. Our guide, Dennis, rocked. He knows all. But because we couldn't get started with that until 11:30, my 'eating' alarm was on high alert. But, I breathed. I calmed down. And realized, I wasn't actually starving. Important for me to note this. Hunger is very connected to fear in my book. (for reasons that might require another blog!) and around 2, we were sitting down at the Farnsworth Inn (after staring shocked, at the bullet holes in the south side of the restaurant's building. Again, hunger = fear. So sitting down to a menu really hungry is a situation not to be taken lightly. I got a fruit/cheese/cracker plate and some soup. And then managed to ask for a scoop of chicken salad. Not bad. Sadly, the 'cheese' was a 'spread' and the soup smelled a little like feet. Not sure what that was about. So, it was a pretty unfulfilling lunch, which makes me so angry inside as it taps into my already strong feelings of deprevation. Back to the breath. And the reassuring myself: this isn't all about food. It's all ok.

Afterwards, we decided to stop at ColdStone Creamery and I got a small cake batter light with sprinkles. Ok, I know this isn't sugar free. But there's room for an occasional sugary treat - especially one that's 'light' and isn't mixed with 600 more calories of toppings.

That puts us here, 6:30 PM after a nice nap. However, hunger abounds. Post-naps are another tricky time (ok, all my days are loaded with tricky times!) but I'm committed to having a snack and again, going to dinner, breathing, ordering something healthy, small and noting to myself that I will feel full. It's all about good decisions in these small moments. just one after another after another.

One Way To Do It

Since I'm feeling extremely nauseous today, I haven't eaten anything at all, let alone sugar. That's one way to do it. I'm hoping I feel up to my goal of walking Rocky later.

Spending time with KB last night was pretty sublime. Her energy and determination around making a new start are both uplifting and inspiring. We've been friends since 3rd grade, and over the years I've had many occasions to think, "Oh, this is why the universe brought her into my life" (or visa versa). Here I am again thinking that same thing. It feels like we're on the edge of a new part of our journey together as friends...together we're going to fling of all of those old habits and old ways of being out into the ether and instead we'll be with one another and meet one another in a fuller, more holistic way...on a level of truly acknowledging ourselves and the other and what we both want for ourselves. What a great way to see KB and to be seen by her...as powerful, wise, beautiful, dynamic women who go after what they want with determination and compassion.